The Accidental Vegan

It's Here!

2008-08-25T23:07:00.001-05:00

There is a new adventure...check it out!

Goodbye...For Now

2008-07-31T22:53:00.005-05:00

It's been 216 days. There have been 86 posts.

3 stays in the hospital
2 jobs
16 days of insomnia
40 recipes
1 prize winning chili
7 days of tofu appreciation
and 1 glorious diagnosis.

It has been quite a trip and I'm so glad that you've all come along for the ride. I feel so blessed to have had this community of people who supported me, laughed with me and were willing to try all my crazy recipes. You even put up with my complaining and the meandering thoughts on faith. You guys are good.

But today it has to come to an end. This blog was a way for me to get through a really tough time in my life, thankfully, that time is over. Sure, there is a learning curve with being gluten free for life, and of course there are more recipes to discover. But there are blogs far superior to mine that cover those topics.

Now don't get too worked up, I'm not turning my back on the blogosphere (or whatever it's called) forever. There are big plans in the works. Plans that have been rattling around in my head since March! There is something new on the horizon and I hope you will be part of it. I can't say much now, but I can promise that things will get interesting on August 25.

So take a break and read some other blogs (I recommend the ones to your left) but don't take me off your Google Reader just yet; the next step in the adventure starts in 25 days...

Dumped

2008-07-29T22:45:00.005-05:00

Today was just one of those days, a little down in the dumps. Nothing seemed to be going quite right. I woke up late. When I took the dogs out I found that someone (hooligans or ner-do-wells I presume) had dumped out the flower pots planted on my back deck and taken the plastic planters! At work nothing seemed to line up, ending with me getting frustrated by a project that, I fear, will never end. My plan was to leave at 5pm, but then I had one of the strangest conversations I've ever had and ended up leaving at 7:40pm. When I got home I took the dogs out, sat down for dinner and all the power went out. After rooting around in the basement I was able to get the juice back with only a few encounters with man-eating spiders.

So what do you do when life isn't so sweet? You make brownies.
These are gratefully borrowed from glutenfreegirl and are fudgy delicious!

8 tablespoons unsalted butter
4 ounces bittersweet chocolate (or as dark as you can stand it)
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup brown rice flour (or sorghum)
1/4 cup tapioca flour

Preparing
Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F. Grease an 8-inch square baking pan. Chop the chocolate into small slivers. Slice the butter into one-inch pieces. Combine the two flours together.

Melting the chocolate
Bring a saucepan of water to a boil, and then turn it down to a simmer. Place a large metal bowl over the top of the saucepan. Put the chocolate and butter into the metal bowl and stir, occasionally, as they both begin to melt. As they come to a full melt, stir and stir, vigorously, until you have a cohesive mixture.

Making the brownies
In a medium-sized bowl, combine the sugar and eggs, whisking vigorously until they are creamed together, with a silky consistency. Add the vanilla extract and salt and stir well. Add in the gluten-free flours and stir. Finally, pour in the melted chocolate-butter mixture and stir, carefully, with a rubber spatula, until the mixture has become smooth.

Baking the brownies
Pour the mixture into the prepared baking pan. Smooth the top with the spatula. Slide the baking pan into the oven and set the timer for 25 minutes.

Finishing the brownies
As the brownies are baking, fill the sink with ice cubes and 1 inch of water. When the brownies are finished baking, remove the pan from the oven and place it immediately into the ice-water bath. (Don't let any water splash up onto the brownies!) Let the brownies stay there until they have cooled completely.

These brownies taste best the next day, after an entire night of refrigeration. That makes the top crunchy, the insides decadently chewy. However, I'm sure no one would suffer if you ate the brownies immediately, either.

Is There a Doctor In the House?

2008-07-28T20:00:00.010-05:00

So apparently I didn't need all those doctor's and tests, I could have just been diagnosed by my friends! Remember when I asked you all to tell me what you thought was wrong with me? Well surprise, surprise, one of you hit it right on the nose!

Congratulations Joline, you are like my own, personal Web MD! You got in the gluten and even the dairy, pretty impressive. I'm considering getting rid of my health insurance and just listing Blogger as my primary care physician. It's gotta be just as good as an HMO, right?

So what fabulous prize does Joline win for her auto-immuno-expertise? Well, I'm glad you asked. It's the super cool coffee mug at the top of this blog. Thankfully Joline loves coffee, eating, sleeping and blogging!

With celiac, everyone's a winner!

Holy Ground

2008-07-24T22:31:00.007-05:00

Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground...Exodus 3:5

I know that I said I was going to leave the past month behind me and just move forward on this blog. But, as is so often the case, I was wrong.

Today was a special day. At 2:25 p.m. I went to Facebook and pulled up a photo album. I listened to a playlist of songs that I created three months ago. I prayed and I cried. I was surrounded by things that seemed so ordinary and mundane, but for 45 minutes my hectic, cluttered office was holy ground.

One month ago, today, my friends Jeff and Amy gave birth to a beautiful little girl named Leah. Leah's birth was unique in that we knew that she would not live for very long, if she lived at all.

When Jeff and Amy told the world that they were expecting, I was thrilled. I knew what fantastic parents they would be. Then, in May we found out that Leah was sick. There were appointments and specialists, but no one could give us the words we were begging to hear. She was not going to survive the pregnancy and probably would not survive the delivery. I cannot explain what the next month was like. My heart was broken, I was powerless to help my friends.

A little over a month after finding out that they may never get to know their sweet little one on this earth, it was time for Jeff and Amy to deliver. I had the honor of being with them at the hospital on the day that Leah was born and I had the privilege of meeting little Leah while she was still alive. It was painful and scary and wonderful and sacred. I still haven't found the words to express what I experienced that day. I continue to be blind-sided by grief on a daily basis, never knowing what little thing might remind me of her. But I would not trade one second of my sadness or a single tear that I have shed. As strange as it may sound, watching Leah live her short but precious life has had a profound effect on my faith.

So today I sat at my desk; the desk where I first found out that Jeff and Amy were expecting. The desk where I bought the first baby gift and where I received the phone call that Leah was sick. I sat in the chair that I used the day after Leah was born, when I was working in a haze, trying to understand what had happened. The same chair that I sat in while creating the programs for her funeral and writing a eulogy for a little girl I had only just met.

I closed my eyes, listened to the music and prayed. I thanked God for giving my friends the chance to be parents and for allowing me to be a part of her life. I prayed for healing and wisdom and joy. I asked for the protection of children who will come in the future and I asked for peace for those who are grieving the loss of their little ones. I confessed that I'm still angry at God; that I'm grateful and furious all at the same time. I sang the song that served as my prayer for the month before Leah was born; when the words wouldn't come and my heart was in a million pieces. I cried and I remembered a beautiful little girl, who would have been one month old today.

All I Can Say-David Crowder Band
Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give, that's my everything

Lord didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

And this is all that I can say right now, i know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.
This is all that I can say right now, I know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

And this is all
This is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.
This is all that I can say right now, oh i know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything..
yeah that's my everything..
yeah that's my everything..
everything...

Jeff and Amy have started a blog to share the story of Leah's life and to serve as a resource for other families who are facing the loss of a child. Read it to hear the story of a faithful family, a precious little girl and a God who is good all the time.

Say What?

2008-07-21T22:22:00.004-05:00

Casein Intolerant Celiac Disease with Dermatitis Herpetiformis. Ah, it rolls off the tongue. If you sing it to the tune of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious it's almost catchy. So this craziness is my official diagnosis. These seven words are the cause of a whole lot of pain and suffering. So let's take a minute and break it down.

1. The most important part of the diagnosis is Celiac Disease. Celiac is a lifelong autoimmune intestinal disorder, found in individuals who are genetically susceptible. So when my body takes in gluten it has a toxic reaction and begins to attack the mucosal lining of my intestines. Hey, I didn't say that this was going to be pretty. The damage to the lining makes it impossible for my body to properly absorb nutrients leading to all sorts of health problems. Most often celiac presents with digestive issues, but I presented with more joint/bone and neurological issues, which is part of why my diagnosis was tricky.

What this DOES mean: I can never eat gluten again. Each time I take gluten into my system, no matter how large or small the amount, my body will release toxins that will destroy my intestines. The more damage to my intestines, the sicker I will become. The good news is that by eliminating gluten, my intestines will begin to heal themselves so I will begin to feel better and better.

What this DOES NOT mean: I will suffer from my symptoms for the rest of my life. I will be put on medication. Once my intestines are healed, I am healed. That all of my blood relatives have celiac disease.

As I said above, I will always have this disease. But by following a strict, gluten free diet my body will eventually be able to return to normal function. And while celiac is genetic, people can carry the genetic markers and never develop the disease. It often lies dormant within your system and, for those who are susceptible, becomes active after some kind of physical or emotional trauma or prolonged illness. There is about a 10% chance that my family would have the genetic markers and there is no guarantee that the markers would develop into the disease. So my family should keep an eye out for symptoms, but there is no need to freak out about it (Mom).

2. Casein Intolerant. Casein is one of the proteins found in milk (lactose is the sugar found in milk). Casein's structure is very similar to gluten's (which is the protein found in wheat). My intestines are in bad shape, so they can't seem to be able to tell the difference at this point. My doctor feels that once my intestines are healed I will probably be able to have casein again without any issues. It can take anywhere from months to years for the lining to heal, so I need to avoid cow's milk products for now, but hopefully can re-introduce them down the road.

3. Dermatitis Herpetiformis. This is a skin condition that effects some people with celiac. Remember the first thing I noticed after being on the elimination diet? Yeah, that's right, it has a name. Staying gluten free and making sure that I use gluten free skin products should keep it at bay.

All in all, I have to say that I feel happy about my diagnosis. It is strange to think that this is for life. But it feels so good to have an actual name to my illness, to know that I'm not crazy. I feel hopeful that my health can only improve and that I don't have to fill my body with more pharmaceuticals. After being reminded of how bad I had been feeling, I'm so grateful that I can get a new start with no place to go but up.

When Gluten Attacks...

2008-07-19T22:20:00.004-05:00

It started out so well. Enjoying the sweet, malty goodness of the beer. Biting down on the warm, crispy-gooey comfort of a toasty sandwich. Three different desserts, each involving some sort of just-beginning-to-melt ice cream. This is the stuff dreams are made of! Last night was a fantastic time full of gluten, but more importantly, celebrating with the folks who have helped support my crazy lifestyle over the past 7 months. I began the night feeling nervous about what would happen, but went home feeling so grateful for the amazing, generous friends (and family, thanks for biking down Matt!) I have.

Unfortunately, that feeling didn't last for long...

As I drove home I started to feel the slightest bit of weirdness in the pit of my stomach. When I got to my block, my head was throbbing so badly I could barely park. I sat down to do the blog post (for those of you who couldn't join me) and my fingers and arms started to cramp. I didn't want to admit it at that point. "I'm probably just tired," I told myself. But it soon became clear that it was more than just sleep deprivation.

I woke up around 3 am with that horrible feeling that I was falling, only to discover that I WAS falling. My muscles had seized and I was rolling out of my bed. Since I couldn't move my arms or legs I hit the ground hard. After this happened for the second time I just slept on the floor. I won't go into all the details, but I woke up in a fog. My muscles ached and my joints didn't seem to work.

So I spent today getting some final tests done at the hospital. Obviously I have some sort of gluten intolerance, but now we have to try to figure out why and where it came from. So I was poked, prodded and biopsied, hopefully for the last time. If all goes according to plan I will have a diagnosis on Monday. So until then I'm taking my bruised and battered self to the bathtub for a date with some Epsom salts and a big glass of ice water.

Who knew a sandwich could cause so much trouble?

Gluten Gluttony

2008-07-19T00:56:00.005-05:00

I just got home from a night of (responsible) excess, an evening filled with wheaty-goodness. Here's the rundown:

At Quenchers
Three Floyds Robert the Bruce
Hitachino Nest Ginger Brew
A Reuben with thick, toasted dark rye, (not to mention the gluten in the corned beef, dressing and possibly the cheese!)
Sips of Dead Guy, Dragon's Milk & Gumballhead

Then, after a strange encounter with a very drunk man who threatened to throw himself in front of a bus if I didn't help him (and later followed through, but thankfully wasn't hurt) we were off to dessert.

At Dunlay's:
A dessert sharing smorgasbord (that's just for you Scooter!) of:
Strawberry Shortcake icebox pie
Mixed Berry Crisp
& the amazing Skillet Cookie Sundae

Food I've missed with friends I love. I've done my part...now we wait and see what happens!

Three Ring Nightmare

2008-07-17T22:19:00.005-05:00

If you'll turn your attention to the center ring, you'll see the amazing juggling woman! Yes, she can juggle work and home. What about junior high students? YES! Can she handle friendships, relationships and family? YES! What if we throw in getting ready for classes and VBS? YES! Now throw in some drama and a big dose of broken heart...will she do it???

NO!

Not even close. I apologize that I have been gone for so long. I appreciate the concerned emails, and no, I haven't run off with the circus or met some hot chef and opened a gluten free restaurant in Bora Bora (although if you know any hot, GF chefs be sure to send them my way!) I have just had a lot on my plate and haven't really been sure how to process it. If I were a real writer I would have some kind of deep, poetic way to describe what the past month has been like. Unfortunately, I'm not and I don't. I'm speechless. So I won't try to write about the past, and we will move on to the future.

Tomorrow is the day we've been waiting for...tomorrow I add gluten back into my diet. I'm not just going to have a piece of bread, or a sliver of cake. Oh no! I'm going all out with a night we are calling "Gluten Gluttony". Catchy, huh? Yes, tomorrow we are off to Quenchers where we will partake of fried food and selections from the over 260 beers available. I realize that going from no gluten to gluten overload could be unpleasant, but if this is my last hurrah, I want to make it good!

I have to admit, I'm a bit nervous going into this. On one hand, my diet drama could all be over tomorrow, I could get sick and have an actual diagnosis. It would be great, the past 7 months would have all been leading up to something, the denial would not have been in vain! But of course that means I never get to eat gluten again...ever. It takes months to get gluten out of your system, so if you have an intolerance you can't get better unless you cut it out completely.

On the other hand, I could leave tomorrow and feel fine, a little bloated probably, but fine. That would mean I can once again enjoy a frosty beer, a crusty french bread or a pungent blue cheese. I could eat whatever I wanted at restaurants and never again have to question my friends on how or what they're cooking. But of course that means I have no idea what happened to me last year. I would always wonder if the pain and seizures are going to come back unexpectedly.

I'm not sure what I want but it doesn't matter since I don't get to choose. Tomorrow will come, something will happen or nothing will happen. I'm just going to walk the tightrope and hope to have some fun in the process. I'll keep you posted!

Run Away

2008-06-04T22:46:00.005-05:00

I've recently started running again. Now, I'm not a hardcore runner, I don't train for marathons or anything, in fact I'm really not all that coordinated of a runner in general. But a few summers ago I was inspired to try and do something that I thought I couldn't do; thanks to a well-timed episode of Made, that thing ended up being running. At that point I didn't understand why anyone would run unless they were being chased, and even then I might opt to roll up like an armadillo and hope for the best. It seemed ridiculous; people thought "it just wasn't my style", I knew it would be a waste of time because I would want to give it up in a few weeks...this is exactly the challenge I was looking for.

I enlisted the help of some crazy runner friends who hooked me up with the right gear and the right plan and I was off! Well, sort of. My running plan had me start off with more walking than running, so it didn't seem like I was accomplishing much. But then, slowly but surely, one foot in front of the other, I was running. I finished my training plan and completed my first 5K. Then I did another one. Then I was going for a jog to clear my head after work. It was strange, this thing that seemed so impossible to me was beginning to feel natural, even kind of good. When I started getting sick I had to stop running, it just hurt too much. But as my health has improved, so has my outlook on returning to a running routine. My thoughtful roommate has upped the ante by registering us for a 10K at the end of August. A 10K?! I've never run more than 5K, it's only been about 3 months since I started feeling better, and if you give me some more time I can probably come up with more excuses as to why this IS NOT a good idea. So I have started a running plan again. I was thinking about this in two very different situations today, once when I wanted to run away, the other when I wanted to chase away.

The first situation has to do with two very close friends. They are in the midst of suffering so great I cannot even begin to imagine what they must feel like. As a couple they are faced with a situation that seems hopeless and yet they are finding a way to respond with faith, conviction and strength. In talking with my friend today I was struck by the little part inside of me that wanted to yell, "Run Away! This is too hard, it's too much and you don't even know what you're doing!" Of course I would never actually run away from my friends, but I had to have a moment of silent confession where I admitted that part of me wants relationships of convenience more than I want relationships of true sharing.

The second situation was very different. I was confronted with a woman who infuriated me. Here she was claiming to be a Christian but I have yet to see a Christ-like action or word come out of her. Self-absorption, ungratefulness, insensitivity, selfishness...I feel like that is all I see. I wanted to chase her away, get her poison away from my family. And while I would never actually, physically chase her away, I knew that my actions and words could very easily have the desired effect. The strange thing is, there was no confession after that. I didn't feel bad for the way I mentally reacted, I felt entitled to it!

On the way home, I considered both of these situations. As I drove and prayed (eyes open, of course) I thought about a conversation I had with a woman I met recently. She mentioned a video that our former pastor had shared with the congregation about a year ago. The video tells the story of Dick and Rick Hoyt, an amazing father and son team. Rick had complications at birth which have left him confined to a wheelchair and reliant on others for his care. After finding out that his son enjoyed the feeling of being able to participate in a race, Dick began to compete in races while pushing Rick in his wheelchair. Dick and Rick now regularly compete in marathons and Ironman triathlons; Dick doing the running, swimming and biking for the both of them while he pushes Rick in a wheelchair or pulls him in a boat. It's a beautiful and poignant picture of what it means to love someone, how to carry one another's burdens.

As I continued to think about this I knew that I would do any of that if it would give one moment of relief to my friends. If doing a triathlon would take away one step of this journey my friends are on, I would do it in a heartbeat. I would gladly gather the two of them together, set them safely in a cozy chair and push them through all of what they are experiencing. In fact I have prayed that this would happen. I ask God to let me carry them or at the very least teach me to walk alongside in a way that is meaningful and love-filled. I am in awe that my faith calls me to that kind of love, that it changes the desire of my heart from wanting to run away into wanting to run in-the-place-of my precious friends.

But then it gets hard. My faith also calls me to have the same response to the woman who make me so furious. It means that just as I desire to carry my friends, so should I desire to carry my enemies. The chair that I have reserved for my friends in need also must be available for the people who are self-absorbed, ungrateful, insensitive and selfish. It's a love that is so counter to everything I know, it is beautifully subversive. It seems impossible, but Christ tells me it is imperative. I don't know if I can do it, but with Christ's help, I will put one foot in front of the other and trust that what seems impossible will someday become natural.

Down & Dirty

2008-06-02T22:36:00.003-05:00

Summer hit me today. The weather here in Chicago has been so hit or miss, I haven't really been sure what season it is; but today was summer. It was warm, people were out riding bikes, women were wearing fluttery summer skirts and guys started sporting boaters. While going for a little (and I do mean little!) jog before work I could smell the lilacs that are blooming down the street.

When I got home I pulled out the potting soil and did some planting. The little deck attached to my apartment is starting to look like quite the happening place! I'm not a natural gardener. I know some folks who just seem to walk by plants and they grow; I'm more the plant & pray type myself. And while I may not win any prizes, there is something so reassuring about planting things and watching them grow. I don't like to wear gloves, I appreciate getting some dirt under my fingernails. I like the softness of the dirt, the spidery roots of the seedlings. I love to see how something that is pretty on it's own becomes even more beautiful when it's put next to something else. I have some white begonias that are so lovely, but when they are added to a box with some pink petunias the white becomes even brighter, the subtle purple tone of their leaves becomes more noticeable and the petunias suddenly seem so lacy and delicate next to the sturdy begonias. They bring out the best in each other.

There is a reason that gardening is such a common metaphor for living in community. It's messy, it takes time for things to grow, sometimes you don't see progress at all. You have to know who needs what and how to best make each plant flourish without squelching the others around it. Things that look dead might be getting ready to bloom while things that look healthy might be laden with disease. You choose whether you want a perfectly manicured Versailles, or a wildly beautiful English garden. You can be the type of gardener who starts from scratch each season or you can be the type who shelters the bulbs in the winter and prunes the same rose bush your grandmother first planted. The stability and resilience of your garden are directly related to your investment of time.

After the enlightening time spent gardening it was time for dinner. I decided that to kick off my official recognition of summer, it was time to grill. I threw on some asparagus and sweet potatoes. I heated up some black beans with a few cloves of freshly crushed garlic. Strawberries for dessert, it was the perfect end to an imperfect but beautiful day.

Grilled Asparagus
1 lb asparagus, end snapped off
grapeseed oil (could use canola or olive oil, but they heat at lower temperatures)
salt
black pepper
red pepper flakes

After washing and snapping the asparagus, toss with enough oil to evenly coat all the stalks. Sprinkle evenly with salt, pepper and pepper flakes to taste. Grill over indirect heat until cooked through and with light grill marks. Mmm.

Grilled Sweet Potatoes
2 large sweet potatoes, cut into rounds 1 inch thick
grapeseed oil
limes
cilantro
salt & pepper

Brush the sweet potato rounds with oil, sprinkle with salt and pepper. Place on grill for about 5 minutes per side. After removing the rounds from the grill, cut away and discard the skin (it should peel away easily) and cut the potatoes into large matchsticks. Place the potatoes in a bowl and toss with 1 tablespoon of oil, the juice of one lime and chopped cilantro. Serve warm.

Drenched

2008-05-27T23:12:00.004-05:00

It was a simple mission. Just stop by Pier 1, pick up some pitchers and bowls for tomorrow's event and head back to work. A relaxing little trip in the middle of the day. I decided to drive over, thinking it was pretty windy and my treasures might be too heavy or awkward to carry back to the church. I got in the car and felt better already. I've been working on a project that I don't really enjoy which leaves me staring at the computer screen for hours on end, so the act of getting out of my office and into the world was immediately refreshing.

I drove over, found a spot down the street and parked the car. As I walked, I started to scold myself for focusing on the minutiae that drives me crazy instead of the dreams of "what could be" that rejuvenate me. I passed Fountain Square and stopped at the crosswalk to wait for the light. Then it happened. A shift in the wind, an extra big gust and I was drenched. The fountain jet, which is supposed to spray straight up, had been blown over just far enough to completely soak me as I stood waiting to cross the street. There was a moment where all I wanted to do was cry, I felt the tears burning my eyes. Then, all of the sudden, I started laughing. I imagined what that must have looked like to people passing by. I pictured myself on America's Funniest Home Videos with Bob Saget doing a voiceover play-by-play. I laughed so hard I had to sit on the edge of the fountain under a curtain of cold mist.

I think this is a good picture of how life has been recently. Things have been tough, really tough. I appreciate the concerned emails and reminders to post something for pete's sake! But it hasn't been right for a while, my mind has been empty and my thoughts are hazy, it wouldn't have worked. Then, all of the sudden, I'm walking around, minding my own business and I'm drenched. It's like getting caught in a downpour; you start off trying wait it out, or you run from overhang to overhang trying to dodge the drops, but eventually you just give in, let go and let it all get washed away. You end up looking kind of strange, but feeling brand new.

Funkytown

2008-05-13T22:59:00.003-05:00

I haven't really been in a blogging mood lately. Often times I'm thinking about something all day and I can't wait to sit down and write it out, but lately my mind has been blank. I feel like I'm in limbo; I'm disengaged from everything around me. Good things are happening, there is excitement but I stay stuck in a funk. I've been feeling really good over the past few months so this mystery funk has caught me off guard.

There are a few things that might be contributing to my altered state. I moved about two weeks ago and am still not quite "settled", I've been working more than usual so I haven't really had a lot of time to connect with friends, I recently had a little relationship hiccup that was tougher than I expected, my prayer life is stale and uninspired. But more than anything else, the thing that has me reeling is the thought of changing the way I eat.

I realize that it was only five months ago that I was blogging about how the changes I was going to have to make in my diet were freaking me out...well, at least I'm predictable. I want to know what's wrong with me. I want to be free to eat a greater variety of foods. I want to move forward. But it's hard to move anywhere when your mind has a flat tire. Things are good, things are comfortable. Is the possibility of something better really worth losing something that is already pretty good?

How do you push yourself out of a funk?

Wanna Bet?

2008-05-05T23:07:00.005-05:00

This is my last week as a sugar free, gluten free vegan. It's a strange thing to consider, but after a little more than four months of the freegan lifestyle I will begin to incorporate the foods that I have been doing without. Before you get images of me gorging myself on some sort of buffet of forbidden foods, let me explain.

I have completely taken cane sugar, gluten and all animal products out of my diet. I have also been drug free (pharmaceuticals, of course) for a little more than a month. I am currently symptom free and feeling fine. So now we begin to slowly introduce all of those things that I've been avoiding to see who might be the culprit.

So what exciting food item will I be partaking in first? Are you sitting down?...EGGS! I know, kind of a let down. And I don't even get to eat the whole egg, just the white. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers.

This week I will be preparing mentally and physically to take the next step in finding a diagnosis for my bizarre symptoms. I will post more on what exactly that entails, but for now it means that it's time to place your bets!

Within a matter of months, (or possibly weeks!) we will know if any of these foods are the cause of my troubles. So what do you think it is; dairy, red meat, egg yolks, mollusks? Maybe I have some sort of bizarre reaction to a food combination like chicken with wheat gluten and a pinch of dairy. Be creative! If you can give me the correct diagnosis you will win a fabulous prize* and probably be asked to work at the Mayo Clinic because you figured it out when no one else could!

So hit me with your best shot. Now is your chance to do what you have been waiting to do since you've known me; answer the question, "What's wrong with me?"

*the level of fabulousness of the prize will be determined by Melody, so don't go thinking it's a plasma tv or something.

Soy-lent Green*

2008-04-26T23:41:00.004-05:00

I realize that it may seem just as strange to some, but eating tofu is WAY better than eating people (at least I assume so, but I haven't ever eaten a person...). I know that it looks kind of boring, it feels rather squishy and it's creepy that one little block of goo can contain so much water. But tofu is a great ingredient, and if you can find ways to incorporate it into your diet (even if you are a meat eater) your body will thank you for it!

Hopefully after experiencing the joy that is Tofu Appreciation Week you are no longer on the fence about tofu, but sometimes it takes a while to change your mind. I used to think that I hated pesto. Everywhere I went, every cookbook I read people were raving about pesto! But then I came to realize that I don't like pesto when it's on pasta but I like it in all sorts of other things. It wasn't until I started making my own pesto and eating it on grilled veggies, roasted potatoes and drizzled over salmon (back in the old days) that I realized how delicious it really is.

So this recipe is taking a food I used to avoid and a food that you might still avoid and combining them into something fantastic. This is also a really easy way to hide soy protein in your diet without having to succumb to "eating tofu"...no one will ever have to know.

Tofu Pesto

4 ounces firm tofu
2 Tbs. vegetable broth
2 cups fresh basil
2 cloves garlic
2 Tbs. lemon juice
3 Tbs. olive oil
1/2 cup fresh parsley
1/2 tsp. ground pepper

Combine all the ingredients in a blender or food processor and pulse until smooth. Serve it on rice noodles, polenta, veggies or use it as a fresh salad dressing.

*If you don't know what soylent green is find out here. See? Talking about eating people was clever and funny, not gross and disturbing.

Piece of Cake

2008-04-25T22:16:00.005-05:00

Ah, Friday. What a lovely day. Technically it has only been half a lovely day as we have been hit with thunderstorms tonight, but I can let that slide. I seem to be in a rather happy-go-lucky mood lately (wink, wink) so a little rain won't get me down! And what better way to spend a stormy night than making cheesecake!

Oh no, tofu is not all stir-fry and scrambles! Sometimes it is light, melty cheesecake. And when cheesecake is this healthy you can always have that second slice!

Lemon Cheesecake
from Nicole
1-14 oz package firm silken tofu
1-8 oz package Tofutti Better than Cream Cheese
2/3 cup sugar ( I substituted crystalized apple fruit sweetner to taste, but most of you will probably stick with sugar)
¼ cup lemon juice
½ tsp almond extract
2 tbsp cornstarch
1-9 inch pie crust ( I went crustless, and baked them in cupcake papers, that way they are single serving too!)

Preheat oven to 350F.
Place silken tofu and vegan cream cheese in the food processor. Process for 1 minute, then add sugar. Process until smooth and no sugar granules remain, 3-5 minutes. In a small bowl, combine lemon juice and almond extract. Whisk in cornstarch. Pour mixture into the food processor and process until very smooth. Pour into prepared crust and bake for 45 minutes.
Allow to cool at room temperature for 2 hours, then refrigerate overnight.
Serves 10

Time Traveling

2008-04-24T21:56:00.002-05:00

So this post is a little bit of a trick. It is dated Thursday the 24th, but this is actually coming FROM THE FUTURE!

Since I accidently left my computer at work last night I wasn't able to update Thursday's tofu recipe. I know, I know. I'm surprised riots didn't break out in the streets! The way you all held your composure and didn't even mention the lack of new tofu goodness is a testament to your grace and forgiveness. But have no fear, here is an eye-opening breakfast option that is sure to give you all the protein you need for a great day. With a side of homefries this is heaven.

Scrambled Tofu Florentine
from Christina Pirello

Ingredients
Extra virgin olive oil
1/2 of a yellow onion, finely diced
salt
1 small carrot, finely diced
1-2 stalks celery, finely diced
1 tablespoon mirin (can omit, but why would you want to?)
1 pound extra firm tofu, coarsely crumbled
1/4 teaspoon ground tumeric
1/2 bunch arugula, cut into bite-sized pieces
1/2 cup shredded soy or rice mozzarella (vegan version, or if you're into dairy then use what you got)
2-3 sprigs fresh parsley, finely minced

Instructions
Place a small amount of oil and onion in a deep skillet and turn heat to medium.
When the onions begin to sizzle, add a pinch of salt and sauté for 1-2 minutes.
Stir in carrot and celery and cook, stirring, until shiny with oil. Add mirin, crumbled
tofu and tumeric and stir well, incorporating tumeric throughout the dish. Cover,
reduce heat to low and cook for 3-4 minutes. Stir in arugula and soy cheese,
cover and cook for 1 minute. Turn off heat and allow to stand until cheese melts,
about 2-3 minutes. Stir well to combine and serve garnished with fresh parsley.

Tofu Takes Over the World

2008-04-23T22:36:00.004-05:00

I know what you're thinking. You tried tofu, it's kind of strange and jiggly, it's just not for you. But tofu is like opera; you can't suffer through some Wagner nightmare and write off the whole genre. You'd be missing out on Janacek, Verdi and Glass! Hmm. Maybe that analogy doesn't translate well. Let's try again. Tofu is like sports; you can't suffer through some televised bowling tournament and write off all sports. You'd be missing out on March Madness, the Super Bowl and that Lumberjack competition they show on ESPN 8 or whatever. You don't want to miss the Lumberjacks!

The point is that tofu one way might be bad, but another way can be delicious! It's packed with nutrition and it is so inexpensive. The challenge is using an ingredient that you are unfamiliar with. So here are some baby steps to incorporate tofu into your life.

-Heat 1/2 inch of vegetable or peanut oil in a heavy skillet. Take extra firm tofu out of the package and press gently between some paper towels to remove excess moisture. Cut the tofu into 1/2 inch cubes and dust with sifted cornstarch. Fry the cubes until crisp, drain on paper towels and serve with your favorite dipping sauce! (This is a great snack while you're watching a movie)

-Mash some tofu with a ripe banana. Add a little bit of agave (you could use honey), some dried cranberries and sunflower seeds or wheat-free granola. Mix it all up and it it with a spoon or on gluten-free crackers (or for you crazy folks who eat gluten, this is really good on graham crackers). Breakfast of champions!

-Sneak some mashed tofu into mashed potatoes. What people don't know won't hurt them (unless they're allergic to soy and then you better have a good lawyer...)

-Throw some cubes of soft, silken tofu into a blended soup or smoothie. This is a great way to add in protein without dealing with the texture.

The bottom line is don't be afraid of tofu...tofu is your friend.

More tofu robot genius can be found here.

Sorry Ain't Cuttin' It!

2008-04-22T21:10:00.003-05:00

There are a lot of difficulties that come with eating gf, sf, vegan: meeting nutritional needs, trying to find food on the go, always ordering from the "sides" menu at a restaurant, having to turn down the thoughtfulness of others when they prepare a meal but can't show you every single ingredient, the thought of never again being able to taste the dishes that remind you of childhood. It's hard. But the thing that is most difficult are the constant apologies.

I understand the pained expressions, the sorrowful glances; they are meant to show sympathy, you can't imagine what I must be going through. I know that the comments of, "Oh, I could never do that," are supposed to be testaments to my discipline and self-control. Unfortunately, all I end up feeling is misunderstood.

I honestly don't see my restrictions as punishment. Yes, they can be frustrating. Yes, sometimes all I want is a big piece of lasagna. But at the end of the day, this way of eating has been my answer, my cure. These changes were not the result of a tummy ache or feeling kind of tired. I was withering, walking around in a fog. I couldn't think, I cried all the time, I found no joy in my life. I don't share this for your sympathy, I share it for your edification.

Five months ago I could barely stand for an hour without having severe muscle spasms, today I went for a run with my dog. In October I had to start wearing my hair down to cover the spots where I had gone bald, today I don't even think about it. Not long ago I was averaging 3 doctor's appointments a week and taking 13+ pills a day, now I couldn't even tell you the name of the pharmacist, I used to know them all! Never be sorry for my diet, thank God for it!

For nearly a year I have been fighting for my life, or at least for my way of life. I have been fighting to find a way to be myself again; to laugh and smile and go out and play. If saying goodbye to eggs means that I'm not in constant pain, if leaving wheat behind means that I can live without worry of seizure, if not eating fish leads to having the energy to spend time with the people I love, then good riddance. Don't look at me as if I've been banished to the naughty chair for eating too many breadsticks!

If you want to encourage me, share a positive change that you've noticed. If you want to support me, buy me a BumbleBar or a soy latte. If you want to empathize with me, try something that I've cooked...even if it sounds strange. But please, don't apologize.

It is, of course, still tofu appreciation week. So here is a recipe that is good for folks of all ages. These tofu nut balls (even the name makes me smile!) can be used in lieu of meatballs on spaghetti, covered in sauce for a fun appetizer or smothered with ketchup or BBQ sauce for kids. Seriously, people love them!

TOFU NUT BALLS
from Mollie Katzen
Ingredients:
½ cup uncooked short grain brown rice
1 cup water
A little olive oil for the baking sheet or frying pan
2 Tbs. wheat free tamari (or soy sauce)
½ lb. of firm tofu, mashed
½ cup (rounded measure) of finely ground almonds
½ cup gluten free bread crumbs (originally this is wheat germ which is a great, nutritious addition for those who can partake)
Sea salt to taste

Instructions:
1. Place the rice and water in a small saucepan. Bring to a boil, cover, and lower the heat to the slowest possible simmer. Cook until very soft (mushy, even) - about 35 to 45 minutes.
2. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and lightly oil a baking sheet OR heat oil to deep fry (360 degrees).
3. Place tamari and 1/2 the mashed tofu in a blender or food processor, and add about ¾ of the cooked rice. Blend to a thick paste.
4. Place the remaining tofu in a medium-sized bowl. Add the blended mixture, along with the almonds, bread crumbs, and remaining rice. Add salt to taste.
5. Using your hands, form the batter into 1-inch balls.
6. Bake them on a lightly oiled tray for 30 minutes OR deep fry until crisp and drain on paper towels. Serve hot!

Of course the oven method is healthiest, but the fry method is most delicious! Either way they are healthier than your average meatball.

Spice Up Your Monday

2008-04-21T21:11:00.005-05:00

Need to push through those Monday blues? This is one of my favorite recipes of all time, that includes my meat eating days! This recipe from Mollie Katzen is always a hit and it's even better the second day. It's not difficult to make, but there are a lot of steps, so it can take some time. This is the perfect recipe to make with a friend so you can share a glass of wine while all the parts are simmering away!

Tofu and Broccoli with Peanut Sauce

The Sauce:
1/2 cup unprocessed Peanut butter
1/2 cup hot water
1/4 cup cider vinegar
2 tablespoons tamari (I use wheat free*)
2 tablespoons blackstrap molasses
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper

The Sauté
1 (1 lb) bunch fresh Broccoli
3 tablespoons oil
8 cloves garlic, minced
1 lb tofu, cut into small cubes
3 dashes salt
2 cups thinly-sliced onions
1 cup coarsely-chopped raw peanuts
2-3 tablespoons tamari*

Directions
The Sauce
In a small saucepan, whisk together the Peanut butter and hot water until uniform in consistency.
Whisk in the remaining ingredients. Set aside.

The Sauté
Cut off the bottom half-inch of the Broccoli stems. Shave off the tough outer skins of the stalks with a sharp paring knife or a vegetable peeler. Cut the stalks diagonally into thin slices.Coarsely chop the flowerettes. Set aside. Begin heating the large skillet. When it is hot add 1 tbsp of the oil. Add half the garlic. salt lightly. Sauté over medium heat for 1 minute, then add the tofu chunks. Turn the heat up a little, and stir-fry the tofu for 5-8 minutes. Transfer it, including whatever liquid it might have expressed, to the saucepanful of Peanut sauce. Mix together gently.

Wipe the skillet with a paper towel, and return it to the stove to begin heating once again. Add the remaining garlic. salt lightly. Add the onions, and some black pepper. Sauté, stirring frequently, over medium heat, until the onions are soft.

On another burner, begin heating the peanut-tofu sauce on a low heat. It shouldn't actually cook-it only needs to be warmed through. Add the Broccoli and the chopped peanuts to the skillet. Add 2-3 tbsp tamari and stir-fry over medium-high heat until the Broccoli is bright green and just tender.

Pour the heated Peanut sauce over the sauté.

Toss everything gently until everything is coated with everything else.

Serve over long-grained white or brown rice (basmati is good).

Versatility

2008-04-20T19:52:00.003-05:00

I've always secretly wished that I were versatile. There are a number of people close to me who seem to have this trait. They can slip from one conversation to the next without an awkward pause. Their talents run the gamut from artistic to intellectual to physical. No matter where they are, they just seem to fit, effortlessly. I've never been this way. I have a handful of things that I do well, I enjoy trying new things, but the resulting actions are rarely graceful.

That fluidity; the confidence of ability mixed with humility of spirit, is something I admire yet often neglect to notice. It has a camouflage effect so that I'm left with only the general thought of, "they're so great." But when someone is always there, always helping, always making me laugh, it becomes so commonplace that I forget to tell them how important that is, how important they are. I see it happen in marriages, with best friends, within my family; I'm always missing the blessing that's right in front of my face.

These thoughts have been running through my head all because of tofu. Who knew that bean curd could be so enlightening? My friend Joline found out her three year old son likes tofu. So naturally, what better place to go for tofu recipes than a vegan who loves to cook?

As I began thinking of recipes I realized that I eat tofu almost every single day. I blend it into everything from soups to smoothies. I sautee it with vegetables and scramble it like eggs. I bake it, brown it, fry it, boil it and mash it. It is the most versatile food I have ever had, omnivore or herbivore. So to give this forgotten friend of mine the thanks that it deserves, I am devoting the week to tofu!

Now before you click away saying, "there's a blog I can skip this week," let me urge you to give tofu another look. It's not flashy or exciting. It won't give you the same satisfaction as a steak or some extra crispy sweet potato fries. But tofu is there, and it will always be there; whether you need it sweet or salty, fancy or plain. Tofu is like that boyfriend you had in college; it will be whatever you need it to be, all you have to do is ask.

So to kick-off tofu appreciation week I'm including a recipe for the dish that first set Zane's little heart all a flutter for soy deliciousness, Miso Soup. There are a lot of ways to make miso soup, some traditional, some quick and easy. I admit that I know very little about most asian cooking styles, so I tend to go the quick and easy route. There are different types of miso paste: white, red and black and it is readily available in the refrigerated section at most fancy-schmancy grocery stores and asian markets. The taste gets stronger the darker the color. I prefer white miso with it's mellow flavor, but feel free to use whatever floats your boat.

Miso Soup with Tofu and Baby Spinach
from VeganCooking

6c water
1 1/2 c spinach, cut into thin strips
1/2 c thinly sliced white mushrooms
3 Tbs minced scallions
1 Tbs tamari (I use wheat free of course)
1/3 c white miso paste
4oz extra firm silken tofu, drained, cut into 1/4" dice

Place the water in a large pot and bring to a boil over high heat. Add the next 4 ingredients. Reduce the heat to medium until vegetables are tender. Reduce the heat to low. Place 1/4c of soup mixture in a small bowl and add the miso, blending well. Stir mixture back into the soup, add the tofu, and simmer for 2 minutes.

The beauty of this soup, of course, is it's versatility. You can substitute other vegetables (kale is great in place of spinach) or leave them out if you want it more as a broth. I've even thrown in a can of white beans or a sliced sweet potato when I'm feeling crazy! So use this as a guide, and get creative to discover what suits your tastes.

105 Down, How Many More to Go?

2008-04-14T20:10:00.006-05:00

Today I hit the big one-oh-five. That's right, I have been living sugar-free, gluten-free & vegan for 105 days!

I imagined that by now I would be dying for a cheeseburger or trading my organs on the black market for a REAL brownie, I'm surprised to find that is not the case. Instead I'm thinking of all the great stuff that I have tried that wouldn't have even made it into the shopping cart a few months ago. It's not that I was afraid to try new things, even in "the good ol' days" I enjoyed a good culinary adventure. But those adventures didn't happen that often and when they did, it usually came at a new restaurant or when I was visiting a new place. I've always loved to cook, so my eating habits seemed pretty exotic to some of my friends who considered half a box of Cheez-It's and a hot dog to be dinner. But truthfully my shopping list only varied slightly from week to week and a new recipe only came up occasionally.

Learning to eat with these modifications has forced me to try new things, and now I can't imagine my life without them. Agave, goji berries, grapeseed oil, garbanzo bean flour, hemp milk, vegan crunch bars, kadu...I didn't know what I was missing! I'm amazed by how much we fear change, and yet it's all we talk about. We want change with a guarantee, we need to know that making a change will take us where we want to go. The problem is that there is so much more available than what we see from inside our comfort zones. It's true of food, it's true of life. Sometimes you have to say goodbye to things you love in order to free yourself up for the things that are different. You have to fight the inner voice that says different is bad.

And in celebration of embracing change, here is a recipe featuring my latest discovery: Sun Butter. Ah, two of my favorite words! Sun butter is basically just peanut butter made with sunflower seeds instead of peanuts. It's a great choice for folks who have peanut allergies, but even if you don't have to avoid peanuts, sun butter is worth a try. Sun butter is like peanut butter's more sophisticated cousin. It's rich and smoky...you feel like you know the taste, but then it surprises you. And just like peanut butter it works well for both sweet and savory dishes. This recipe is for a savory soup, but I had some sun butter cookies from Rose's that were melt-in-your-mouth fantastic. I brought this over to a friend's house and with some corn chips and agave sweetened lemonade it was a perfect spring meal!

Purple Cabbage and Sun Butter Soup
from Karina Allrich
This soup can be as mild or as spicy as you like. I threw in some extra chiles that I had and let's just say that the sinuses are clear!

2 tablespoons light olive oil
1 1/2 teaspoons hot or mild curry paste, to taste
1 medium red onion, peeled, diced
4-5 cloves garlic, minced
1 large sweet potato or yam, peeled, diced
1/2 head purple cabbage, shredded
1 cup roasted green chiles- hot or mild- chopped- or use chopped yellow pepper
3 cups light vegetable broth
1/2 cup sunflower seed butter (aka Sunbutter) melted in a half cup of boiled water or broth
1 14-oz. can light coconut milk- or plain hemp milk
1/4 to 1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes, for heat, to taste
2-3 tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro
Juice from 1 fresh lime
1 tablespoon agave nectar, or organic light brown sugar, if it needs it
Sea salt and black pepper, to taste

For garnish:
Chopped fresh cilantro

Heat the olive oil in large soup pot. Add the curry paste and stir for a minute to infuse the oil with spice. Add the onion, garlic, sweet potato, cabbage, chiles or yellow pepper. Stir and cook the veggies for 5 -7 minutes, until softened. Add the broth, sunflower seed butter, coconut milk, red pepper flakes and cilantro. Bring the soup to a high simmer, cover, and lower the heat; keep the soup on simmer and cook until the vegetables are tender, about 25 to 30 minutes. Stir in the lime juice and taste test for seasoning adjustments. Add a little agave or organic brown sugar, if needed, to balance the heat. Season with sea salt and ground pepper, to taste.

Serve piping hot with a sprinkle of chopped cilantro.

Serves 4.

photo courtesy of glutenfreegoddess

Year of Jubilee

2008-04-13T19:34:00.004-05:00

"This year will be set apart as holy, a time to proclaim release for all who live there. It will be a jubilee year for you..."
Leviticus 25:10

It's Jubilee Sunday!

Don't feel bad if you don't know what Jubilee Sunday is, today is the first official one.

"In the Jubilee Year as quoted in Leviticus, those enslaved because of debts are freed, lands lost because of debt are returned, and community torn by inequality is restored.

Today international debt has become a new form of slavery. Debt slavery means poor people working harder and harder in a vain effort to keep up with the interest payments on debts owed to rich countries including the US and international financial institutions such as the International Monetary Fund (IMF) and the World Bank. The Jubilee USA Network brings together people to turn this reality around by active solidarity with partners worldwide, targeted and timely advocacy strategies and educational outreach." from Jubileeusa.org

The Jubilee Act Cancels impoverished country debt, prohibits harmful economic and policy conditions on debt cancellation, mandates transparency and responsibility in lending from governments and international financial institutions, calls for a new legal framework to restrict the activities of predatory “vulture funds,” and calls for a U.S. audit of debts resulting from odious and illegitimate lending. And it needs your support!

Call or write to your representative. Learn more about how to get involved with Jubilee in your area. Come with me to the Grassroots conference!

It's hard to hear the numbers, to see the faces and to imagine change. But apathy and avoidance do nothing. As long as impoverished countries are paying outrageous fees to wealthy countries they will not see improvements in sanitation, healthcare or education. As long as generations are paying off debts that they did not benefit from, they will not see freedom. Monitored debt cancellation is a proven system and we are already seeing it at work!

Jubilee Sunday is a day to rejoice in the forgiveness and grace that we have experienced and to embrace the opportunity to extend it to others. Today is the day we forgive our debtors.

Jesus, whose love took the shape of a cross: in the hour of deepest agony your mother and your beloved disciple did not flee, but stood beside you. You call us to pour out our lives in service to others, yet the suffering of the people around the world seems to have no end. When we see the endless wars and deprivations in countries burdened with injustice, we feel numb and helpless at the horror. Remind us of Mary, the unnamed women, and John, all of whom who could not save you from death, but did not leave you to face it alone. Strengthen us to become activists for justice, and agents of mercy.
Amen.

Lunesta: Pathway to Rest or Highway to Hell?

2008-04-07T23:32:00.001-05:00

I took the pill.

I did not, however, wake up feeling rested and refreshed. Instead I felt more like I had died and then someone jerked me out of non-existence and forced me to go to work. I don't even remember going to sleep. I was awake, wondering if this stuff was going to work and then all of the sudden it was 9 hours later, my alarm was blaring and I couldn't lift up my arm to turn it off. Delightful, huh?

When you're taking Lunesta you have to make sure you have at least 8 hours of sleep. If you wake up before the full eight hours the main side effect is amnesia. Seriously, amnesia. Not just forgetfulness or absent mindedness, AMNESIA. You might not know where you live. I'm cutting it close tonight after watching the NCAA Championship with some friends. I had meant to stay for about 45 minutes and then responsibly head home. But the combination of a great game and some bizarre conversation proved too tempting to pass up. By the time I got home and walked the dog it was 11:19pm. If I'm going to get eight hours I now have 41 minutes in which to fall asleep. I just popped a Lunesta, so if this post just sort of stops, that's why.

My experience of feeling dead, zombie-esque and then generally crappy all day made me think that I should look at the side effects of my little nighttime helper a bit more closely.

According to drugs.com:

I can't...drink, drive, operate heavy machinery, pilot an airplane or do anything else that might make me tired.

I can expect...
- day-time drowsiness, dizziness, "hangover" feeling
-problems with memory or concentration
-anxiety, depression, nervous feeling
-headache
-nausea, stomach pain, loss of appetite
-dry mouth
-unusual or unpleasant taste in your mouth
-mild skin rash
Okay. None of it sounds too great, but I can sacrifice in the name of sleep!

I might encounter...
- aggression, agitation, changes in behavior
-thoughts of hurting yourself
-hallucinations
Aggression, hallucinations, thoughts of hurting myself?! Suddenly I have a nervous feeling...or is that the medicine? How can you tell?

Some people report...
-short term amnesia
-depersonalization (feeling out of body, like nothing is real)
-engaging in activities such as driving, eating, or making phone calls and later having no memory of the activity
If I find out that I'm calling people in the middle of the night without any memory of what we talked about I'm going to be seriously upset. I'm going to be so mad I don't know what I'll do. There will be some serious aggression...or wait, maybe it's the meds talking...

And finally, Lunesta may be...
-carcinogenic and mutogenic, so I may end up growing a cancerous arm out of my back
-habit-forming
I'm getting so worked up about the side effects I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep tonight...maybe I'll just take another Lunesta.

Rx: Trust

2008-04-06T21:30:00.004-05:00

I'm sitting on my bed, a large glass of water on the night stand, contemplating the little pill in my hand.

I haven't been sleeping very well. Now, when I say that I don't mean I've had a few late nights or that I've been anxiously mulling something over. In a little over three weeks I haven't had more than four and a half hours of consecutive sleep...or sleep at all for that matter. I can't even seem to nap.

Lack of sleep is a strange thing, similar to an extended fast. You feel pretty bad at first, but then you go into over-drive mode. You're still chugging along, but everything is running slightly hotter than it should be. I feel this everyday now. I tell myself to calm down, to breathe deep, just relax. It doesn't help. If anything, there is a temptation to try and push it a little harder. I mean, if I can effectively function on four and a half hours of sleep, who's to say I couldn't do it on just four? I would have another half an hour in my day to do really important things like color coordinate my closet and categorize my spice wall. We all want more time in the day, right? Maybe this is the answer.

The previous paragraph is the EXACT reason I find myself fixated on this small pill. I know I can't really stop sleeping, I know this isn't healthy. But I stare at the pill wondering if that's healthy either.

Taking Lunesta isn't like popping an extra Tylenol PM, it's hardcore. As a hypnotic, it basically turns your brain off. That means I can't hear a midnight phone call, a dog who is sick from eating God-knows-what out of the trash. It means I couldn't protect myself if my building caught on fire, or if someone tried to break into my apartment. I have no way to ward off the creepy, glowing Lunesta moth when it floats into my room to put me in some sort of radioactive slumber. I'm vulnerable. (although my dog is VERY protective all you blogging burglars, so don't even think about it!)

Living alone forces you into one thing. Trust. I don't have a protector, there is no back-up, the knight in shining armor has left the building. I have me and God. And if I'm doped up I just have God. That kind of reliance is terrifying...and beautiful. The greatest gift of being single is learning to trust someone that you don't see. Sometimes you're learning to trust yourself in things you didn't think you were capable of. Other times it's believing that God cares when no one else seems to notice.

God has blessed me with a wonderful community of people who would come to my aid at the drop of a hat, anytime, day or night; and for that, I am truly grateful. But at the end of the day, there is no one to hold me until I fall asleep, no one to kiss it and make it all better, no one to stand guard. There is me and God and the constant reminder that He is more than enough. His are the shoulders I cry on, the hands the hold me, the eyes that protect me. God knew that I would be tempted to pass those duties off to someone else...say someone with a body, so why not eliminate the middleman?

I sit waiting to take my Lunesta. I'm not worried about weird side effects or feeling groggy tomorrow. I'm not even really worried about fires or burglars. I'm worried about letting God be in complete control when I have no control. But it's worked for us so far...and what's one more night?

No. 5

2008-04-06T03:02:00.003-05:00

The fifth hidden blessing of insomnia...catching up on all those podcast's you've been meaning to listen to.

I might have an unhealthy "relationship" with Ira Glass. Why are all the good, effeminate nerds taken?

Time to Celebrate

2008-04-01T22:26:00.006-05:00

Today my friends Jeff & Amy announced that they are expecting their first child...and it wasn't even an April Fool's joke. (Although there was a lot of speculation!) I'm thrilled for them. I can't wait to see my beautiful friend Amy grow into maternity clothes. I'm anticipating the excitement Jeff will have goofing off with his son or daughter. I can already imagine us sitting around trying to teach the toddler to quote pop culture references for our own amusement. I feel so honored to be at the beginning of this family. I get the same way at weddings. It is so sacred to be at the start of something new. Whether it is a guy and a girl becoming husband and wife; or a husband and wife becoming mom and dad, it is the birth of a family.

I am not a firstborn, so it pains me to admit it, but there is something extra special about that position. The first child ushers in a new era, there is no turning back. Of course every child that comes after is unique and sacred and wonderful (especially fourth in line...they're usually the best), but the first child makes you parents, everyone else just joins the family.

And while I'm buzzing with excitement (I've already bought the first baby gift), there is a little part of me that sees this change as bittersweet. Like marriage, having a child means that there is a part of my friend's lives that I can't understand. The thing that will soon become most important to them is a thing that I cannot begin to know. We will continue to walk together, but our paths are no longer the same, now they are parallel. We can see each other clearly, but there are things that they will encounter that are not part of my journey. There is a level of sacrifice which they will embrace that I cannot even begin to fathom. There is a depth of love that they will experience that I cannot imagine.

I don't say this out of jealousy or regret. I can barely seem to manage the occasional boyfriend never mind a husband or child! I know that the joy and hope and challenge that this child will bring is going to far outweigh any little twinge of sadness that I'm feeling now. But it is there nonetheless. I'm standing at the gate bidding Jeff and Amy a bon voyage. I will hear of their adventure, I will even experience it through pictures and stories, but I will not know what it is like to be there. I will not comprehend it's magnitude. I will not reminisce about my own travels. Maybe someday...or maybe not. But for now I hold onto their hands for the brief moments we still have and wish them the greatest of adventures.

In honor of the little hands that will soon leave sticky smudges on computers and guitars, here is a recipe for children of all ages. It's one of my favorites because it's easy, healthy and delicious. They are like Rice Crispy Treats that you can eat for breakfast (and they actually have nutritional value!)

BEM Bars (from Leah P.)
I have no idea how these bars got their name, but BEM stands for Boys Eat Mud...go figure.

1 3/4 cups brown rice syrup
3/4 cup natural peanut butter
7 cups whole grain cereal (now I use a puffed brown rice, but I used to use Cheerios or corn flakes)
pinch of salt
vegetable oil to grease the pan

In a small saucepan, heat the rice syrup and sea salt over low heat until liquefied. Add the peanut butter and cook, stirring, until well combined and heated through but not boiling, about 5 minutes. Pour the cereal into a large bowl. Using a rubber spatula, stir the peanut butter mixture into the cereal. Lightly oil a 9-by-13-inch baking dish. Transfer the crispy rice mixture to the baking dish, pressing into an even layer. Let cool for 1 hour before cutting into squares. If you're feeling super fancy you can toss in some carob or chocolate chips.

Cookies Make Everything Better...

2008-03-29T20:18:00.001-05:00

As promised, here is the recipe for the cookies pictured below. I have to say, they are darn good, especially at 3am.

Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookies
adapted from Karina Allrich of Karina's Kitchen

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Whisk together the dry ingredients:

1/2 cup brown rice flour
1/2 cup potato starch
1/2 cup white rice or sorghum flour
1/2 cup tapioca starch
2 tablespoons arrowroot starch
1/2 teaspoon xanthan gum
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda

Blend these ingredients:

1/2 cup Shortening (I use Earth Balance)
1/2 cup unsulphured molasses or 1/2 cups organic light brown sugar
3 teaspoons vanilla extract- yes, three!
1/4 teaspoon butter flavor extract- may omit*
2 tablespoons agave nectar
5-6 tablespoons vanilla rice milk- as needed

Add:

Ener-G Egg Replacer for 1 large egg

Add the wet ingredients into the dry mix and stir till well combined. If the dough is way too stiff, add one tablespoon of rice milk at a time to soften.

Add:

1 10-oz bag of dairy-free chocolate chips

Stir to combine. Chill the dough for at least an hour before baking the cookies.

Happy Birthday Mike. Way to get old!

No. 4

2008-03-29T02:55:00.003-05:00

The fourth hidden blessing of insomnia...fresh baked freegan chocolate chip cookies for a post midnight (predawn) snack!

I'll post the recipe later tomorrow...I mean today.

No. 3

2008-03-28T02:27:00.000-05:00

The third hidden blessing of insomnia...organized spice rack!

Did you say, pass the cardamom? Of course I will!

Sacrificial Latte

2008-03-28T00:01:00.004-05:00

I'm stealing the first part of this post from my brother. There is a wonderful, indie coffee roaster in Portland called Stumptown. They have been using an amazing, little brewer from another indie company called Clover. Clover was just purchased by Starbucks. Now Stumptown is going to stop using/selling Clover machines.

“We’ve never purchased parts or service from Starbucks in the past, and we’re not going to start now,” said Matt Lounsbury, Stumptown’s director of operations, who said the company’s two stores with Clovers would stop using them by Friday.

My brother asks the question; is it ego that causes Stumptown to make that decision, or is it refusal to compromise their vision? I ask, how often do we see that kind of commitment to what we say we believe?

I know this seems to be just a matter of coffee...but truthfully, it's much more. What can the church learn from some coffee roasters? The church often looks to big corporations as to how to operate smoothly and efficiently, but maybe we should start looking to the indies to learn how to operate with integrity and passion.

My church is in a season of great change. I sit in meetings talking about vision, direction and purpose. But more than creating something new, I feel like we need to get rid of some things that are old. These things aren't bad...in fact, they are mostly pretty great, but they no longer fit with who we are, what we are called to.

Today a friend told me about a dream he had last night. In the dream he is protecting a child, not his own, and being chased. He has to repel down a wall to escape, and when he seems to have made it, he turns around and a man is pointing a gun at his head...then he wakes up. That image has stayed with me. It's a disturbing sequence and makes me feel uneasy. At first I was drawn to what or who was doing the chasing, but now I find myself drawn to what or who is he protecting?

As someone speaking from experience, when a gun is pointed at your head it is not about fear (that comes later), it is about choice. Every move you make, every thought you have suddenly begs the question, "does this lead to life or death?" That is what remains with me about my friend's dream. If you see the "child" as a thing or an idea, then he is running around with something that is vulnerable and precious to him, something he feels needs protection. Yet there is another force that makes him feel like the thing he has been entrusted to protect is being threatened. Take away the violence of the gun image and he is left having to make the choice of whether or not what he is carrying is worthy of protection. Maybe you shouldn't take away the violence of the gun image, either way something will be sacrificed and sacrifice always contains violence. Sacrifice is brutal because you are losing something you love for something you cannot yet know. You are pruning what looks healthy with the faith that it will grow back even more lush than before, but you know that it might not.

Sometimes sacrifice is a coffee shop saying goodbye to a product that they love, but can no longer endorse. Sometimes it's a church letting go of who they have been to embrace being led down a path that they don't understand. And sometimes it's a girl who stops eating what she loves, believing that there might be a way of eating that could love her back. Wherever you find it, sacrifice hurts. Truth often does.

No. 2

2008-03-27T01:25:00.002-05:00

The second hidden blessing of insomnia...a color-coordinated closet!

Say that ten times fast!

Perhaps this is next...

Breakfast of Champions

2008-03-24T22:04:00.003-05:00

I haven't been able to sleep lately.

I think it may be my body re-calibrating after coming off of the seizure meds, or maybe it's the time change, or perhaps my days aren't filled with enough activity to make me appropriately tired (okay, probably not that last one.) But for whatever reason, I'm just not sleeping.

I've tried cutting out caffeine, taking warm baths, reading dull books, eating a banana, hatha yoga, tryptophan tablets, valerian tea, warm soy milk, aromatherapy, prayer, journaling (which just made me want to blog), cleaning the house, counting sheep, lavender eye masks, turning on talk radio and just plain willing myself to sleep. No luck.

I'm actually an experienced insomniac, I've dealt with it since I was a child. In recent years, however, I have been able to have fairly consistent sleep cycles, even if they are a little different than most. But these past two weeks I'm falling asleep between 2 & 3am and waking up about 7am...not the best plan. (On a side note: I got four random emails today, three from people I don't really know very well, telling me how good I looked at church on Easter. Maybe I'm experiencing some sort of reverse beauty sleep reaction...)

So if you have any secret family remedies or things that have worked for you, please pass them on. Keep in mind though that I still have to adhere to my diet and I'm not really one to drink myself to sleep...FYI.

The hidden blessing of insomnia is all the free time it gives you. I find myself actually making breakfast in the morning because hey, what else am I going to do? So here is my recipe for breakfast quinoa. It's kind of a cross between oatmeal and museli, not to mention it's packed with protein (6 grams per serving) and will keep you going all morning (and possibly into the night...and the next morning...)

Breakfast Quinoa (makes 4 servings)

1/2 cup quinoa, rinsed and drained
1 cup water
1/2 cup oats or quinoa flakes
1/2 cup chopped apples (or whatever fruit you like, peaches would be good)
2 Tbs. blackstrap molasses
1/4 cup chopped walnuts
1/4 chopped currants (or raisins, dates, etc.)

Place the quinoa & water in a saucepan and bring to a boil. Reduce the heat and simmer until done, about 10 minutes. Add everything else and simmer for 10-15 minutes, or until it's light and fluffy. Serve hot with a sprinkle of cinnamon.

Got Water?

2008-03-22T12:31:00.004-05:00

Today is World Water Day.

Instead of buying that latte, or grabbing that soda, why not get a glass of water and donate a couple bucks to a clean water cause. You know you've been meaning to drink more water anyway. Unclean drinking water and poor sanitation account for millions of deaths every year. Turning on the tap is so simple for us, but unimaginable to so many others.

I work with blood:water mission, so that's my top pick. But you can find out all sorts of ways to get involved by going here or here.

Do something positive and be thankful for the small things that end up making all the difference.

What's So Good About It?

2008-03-21T22:16:00.005-05:00

On a rainy Good Friday in 1985 I became a Christian.

People in my church don't talk about their conversion. Unless you were once a drug dealing, puppy-stealing crack-whore, salvation is assumed. Maybe conversion is for those who make the choice later in life, or those who grow up practicing a different religion, like Catholicism. Good Presbyterians, on the other hand, are born, baptized and confirmed. Even the word...confirm. What does that really mean? "Will you confirm that you were once blind, but now you see?" "Yes, I can confirm that."

I was brought up Baptist, and while that denomination has some flaws of it's own, one thing the Baptist's know how to do is conversion. When I was a kid I got SAVED. It wasn't something that I chose to confirm or deny, it was someone throwing me a lifeline, someone saying, "it's this or death, honey." Getting saved wasn't just some personal prayer, it was communal. You got saved and you came forward or raised your hand. You told the Sunday School teacher and by donut hour the elders were coming to give you a hug. It was time to party!

I know it's not too PC to use terms like saved and sinner, but sometimes it is what it is. I went to my church's tenebrae service tonight, and it was beautiful. But no matter how solemn the service, how agonizing the thoughts, there is always a part of me that is dancing in the aisles during Good Friday services and secretly rejoicing throughout Holy Week. Here's why...

Good Friday 1985-It's always a busy day in a pastor's house, everyone is gearing up for the big weekend. There are new clothes to be washed, meals to be planned and eggs to be dyed. Good Friday at our house also meant homemade hot cross buns (we did them cherry or cinnamon roll style...mmm) and story time with Mom. My parents are very big on tradition, I think partly because we grew up so far from our relatives. I imagine they wanted to create spaces for memories that others would fill with visits from grandparents and cousins, but we would fill with stories and activities.

One of these traditions was that my Mom would read to us from a picture book about the crucifixion. I don't know the name of it, but in my mind the book is over sized and the pictures have that 1970s style to them. I don't remember the story itself being all that remarkable, I had certainly heard better. All I know is that I got a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. For the first time in my life (all five and half years of it at that point), I realized that I had done things that were not right. Not just things that got me in trouble, but things that made me feel like hiding, things that no one knew about, but yet somehow they still felt wrong. All of the sudden I was experiencing guilt.

At this point, Mom, Jon and I were singing a song (there was always a song to sing with Mom). I knew that I didn't want to feel like this anymore, I didn't want to think about the ways that I had hid things from my parents, or cheated at games with my little brother, or talked about mean-neighbor-Roxie behind her back. The song finished, Jon toddled off to bug the older kids, and Mom and I were left sitting on her bed. She said, "You know, if you ever wanted to thank Jesus for what he did, all you have to do is pray." I said, "Yes. I want to pray. I want Jesus to come in my heart." We knelt down, and I began to pray with my Mom. I don't remember the exact words, it might have even been printed in the back of the book. I do remember that I kept my eyes open because they felt kind of stingy and warm.

We said, Amen. I looked up and suddenly I started crying. My Mom asked why I was crying and I said, "I don't know. I'm too happy." I felt different. People talk about how childhood conversion isn't as true as adult...wanna bet? I didn't know what I know now, but I do know that I was changed. My mom hugged me and told me she was so glad that I had been saved. It seemed like a funny word because until a few minutes ago I didn't even know that I had been in trouble. I told my Dad and he hugged me and his eyes turned kind of pink and misty. At church on Easter Sunday people came over and kissed me, slapped me on the back and said, "welcome to the family!" My best friend Sarah had even made me a card. Everyone I knew talked about how happy they were that Jesus was in my heart. The kitchen ladies even gave me a donut hole before services.

A few Sundays later I took communion for the first time. There was no fancy dress or ceremony, just my Mom sitting next to me showing me how to take one piece of matzo without touching all the others, how to pass the tray of grape juice so that it doesn't spill, and how to confess before eating or drinking.

A few years later, on Palm Sunday, I was baptized. I had to talk to the church elders and tell them why I was ready to be baptized. I asked Carrie, my choir director, to pray with me and help me get out of the water without splashing everywhere. I asked my Dad to baptize me. Then, on Sunday morning, I put on a gold-colored robe (wearing plaid shorts and an Ocean Pacific shirt underneath it), I walked up the steps to the baptismal and walked down into the blue water. I sat in the chest-high water, answered the questions of my faith, plugged my nose (my Dad had showed me a special way to do it, with both hands) and laid back into the water. When I came up people were cheering. Not clapping, cheering.

I didn't confirm anything, I was just saved. Saved from the lies I told to impress people and from the ways that I beat up my brother when my parents weren't looking. Saved from the gossip I spread and from the embarrassment I lived through. Saved from trying to fill my emptiness with everything but God and selfishly seeking my own glorification. Saved from loneliness. Saved from bitterness. Saved from depression.

At five and a half years old I didn't know that I had been in trouble, but I think that's how it usually works. We don't realize we're drowning until we try to swim back to shore and find we can't do it by ourselves. We are picked up, dried off, and everyone cheers because it would have been so sad to go on without you. But thank God, you are saved.

Below is the recipe for my Mom's cinnamon rolls (which make some good hot cross buns). They are not even close to sugar-free, gluten-free or vegan...but they are the food of salvation. Trust me on that one.

Dissolve 1 pkg active dry yeast into 1 cup of warm milk.

Add in and beat well:
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup butter, melted
2 eggs
4 cups of flour

Knead dough into a large ball, cover and let rise in a warm place until dough doubles in size (about 90 minutes). Roll dough flat on a lightly floured surface to about 21x16 and 1/4 of an inch thick.

In a new bowl, make the filling using:
1 cup packed brown sugar and 3 Tbs. of cinnamon.

Evenly spread 1/3 cup of softened butter on the dough. Sprinkle sugar mixture over it. Working from the long side, roll the dough down to the bottom edge to make a log shape. Cut the rolled dough into 12-16 slices. Fit 6-8 rolls in a 13x9 inch, greased pan. Let rise for an hour. Bake at 400 degrees for 10 minutes, or until lightly browned.

While they are baking, beat the following until fluffy:
1 stick softened butter
1/4 cup cream cheese
1 1/2 cups powdered sugar
1/2 tsp. vanilla

Frost the rolls immediately after they come out of the oven, grab some milk and enjoy!

Waiting Room

2008-03-18T21:30:00.005-05:00

Something is coming. It's scary and new and exciting and strange. It's been slowly growing during lent, and becomes more real each hour I wait. It's hope, buried underground, waiting until the time is right. "Dum spiro, spero". While I breathe, I hope. God is doing a new thing, breaking me of my strategies. Hang on, things are about to get bumpy!

Loser

2008-03-16T23:23:00.004-05:00

Today is Palm Sunday, the beginning of Holy Week. This is the time when people embrace the suffering of Christ, following him from triumph to betrayal, from lonely prayers to public degradation, from death to resurrection. As I sat in church today I felt called to do something different.

I feel the need to follow the disciples. The journey of friendship that forces me to embrace my confusion, my lack of faith, my betrayal and mistrust. I need to walk in the footsteps of the people who deny Jesus, those who allow him to be killed as they sneak away, just as I have so many times before. Perhaps my redemption, my understanding of the grace I have been given, is not seen fully in the suffering of Christ, but in my own cowardice. Maybe Jesus' suffering is not primarily physical, it is not from the wrongs that I do, but the many things I don't do. Christ is wounded for my apathy, for my narcissism that leaves me blind to compassion. My journey this Holy Week must be with those who lose their faith, in hopes that I may find it on the other side of resurrection.

"Lose your faith in God. For as the French mystic Simone Weil insisted, there is a kind of atheism that is purifying, cleansing us of idols. Lose your faith in the god that the cross exposes as a no-god, a sham god. Lose your faith in the god who is but the product of your projections, fantasies, wishes, and needs, a security blanket or good-luck charm god. Lose your faith in the god who is there to hold your hand, solve your problems, rescue you from your trials and tribulations..."

When I finished reading this sermon I felt light-headed...I had forgotten to breathe. It chills my bones and breaks my heart. Can I deny the god that I have created to embrace the God that is wild and unpredictable?

It's a Bit Gamey...

2008-03-16T00:22:00.006-05:00

Tonight I headed over to Jon & Tiffany's for a good old-fashioned game night. We had a laid back game of Scattergories, a read through the book that will make anyone a vegan, then a few spirited rounds of Catch Phrase...it's strange how quickly your Saturday nights change once you turn 28. (I would take some time to reminisce about all the wild nights spent at clubs, dancing on bars and picking up guys...but those nights were few and far between for me, even in my younger days. I've always been the game-night kinda gal.) Besides being a general night o'fun, I also was able to try a few new things to keep the game night snacking in the freegan world.

1. Beer. I am officially off of my anti-seizure meds, which means bring on the drinks! Unfortunately, I still can't drink normal beer because of the whole "made-from-wheat-or-barley" thing, but I am able to drink gluten-free beer. I know what you're thinking, "what's the point?" Well the thought of no longer being able to drink beer is the only part of possibly living gluten-free forever that seriously freaks me out. I've tried New Grist, so tonight I tried the only other gf beer at Wild Oats, Redbridge a new gf offering from Anheuser-Busch. I'm generally not an AB kind of gal, but the idea of a gf beer going mainstream is pretty cool, and it's only $8 for a six-pack, so it's pretty reasonable. The beer itself isn't bad. It's made from sorghum, which is pretty common, the difference between Redbridge and New Grist is that New Grist uses a sorghum and rice blend. Redbridge is a little darker than NG, with a bit more bitterness in the aftertaste, it's similar to an IPA. Between the two, I would probably choose New Grist first, but I've been pleasantly surprised by both.

2. Cookies. Going to Jon and Tiffany's house meant one thing...butterscotch cookies. Jon makes these amazing oatmeal butterscotch crispy on the outside chewy on the inside cookies. To avoid temptation, I knew that I needed to come up with something that would serve as a substitute (fully realizing that this would never be totally possible.) So that's when I came up with this recipe for cranberry oatmeal cookies. When my friend JVH tried them his quote was, "huh, you don't even miss the gluten, animal, sugar-stuff." High praise.

1 cup shortening (I use Earth Balance)
3/4 cups fruit sweetener (could use agave)
2 "eggs" *
1 tsp. vanilla
1 cup cashew butter
1 cup garbanzo bean flour
1 cup oats from a dedicated source (if you are oat-free you can use 1 cup crushed cornflakes for the crunchiness)
1 cup chopped nuts (I used macadamia nuts)
1/2 cup chopped, dried cranberries (makes sure there is no added sugar!)
3/4 cups of arrowroot
2 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. xanthan gum
1 tsp. salt

Preheat oven to 350. Combine the shortening and sweetener in a large bowl. (Tip: make sure both ingredients are at room temperature to prevent curdling.) Beat until creamed and fluffy. Add the cashew butter, blend well. Add the eggs and vanilla, blend well.

In a small bowl, mix dry ingredients. Add slowly to the wet ingredients until well blended. Stir in cranberries and nuts. Drop from tablespoons onto ungreased cookie sheets. Bake 12 minutes and let cool on a wire rack.

*You can use an egg substitute like Ener-G or I use 3 Tbs of water mixed with 1 Tbs. ground flax seed to equal one egg.

Food, friends and fun...always my favorite way to spend a Saturday night.

Hittin' the Dusty Trail

2008-03-13T15:13:00.004-05:00

I'm sitting in the Portland airport, drinking my last Visoda, contemplating my return to the tundra that is Chicago. I'm always a little torn when I leave Oregon. There is so much that I love about Portland; the outdoors, my friends and family, the food, the coffee, the attitude. Part of me hates to leave that, it is so comfortable!

There are many things that I love about Chicago, too. The diversity, my friends and family, my church, exploring unknown parts of the city. But Chicago is never comfortable. Chicago is tiring and crowded, it is still seems foreign in the ways that people operate and think, it's challenging. I've lived there for four and a half years but I'm still "Melody, from Oregon".

But as I head home I'm looking forward to the challenge. In many ways it's harder for me to love people in Chicago, it's harder for me to be myself. Maybe that challenge is exactly what I need, maybe God knew what he was doing. Would I have stretched out of my comfort zone to pursue full-time ministry if I were in the accepting cocoon of the NW? Would I have become as open to sharing my opinions if I never had anyone to disagree with? Would I love people as truly if I never had to love someone who is so different from myself?

Oregon is what I often want, but Chicago is what I need. I find myself ready to go back, to be a stranger in a foreign land, and to love every minute of it. Chi-town, here I come!

Kiss & Tell

2008-03-05T22:21:00.005-06:00

Author's Note: In this post I briefly mention making-out. If you are related to me, or will for some other reason be creeped out by this, proceed with caution.

I've been struck by how inter-connected life is. It's amazing how one thought can get so woven into your day to day routine. As soon as an idea begins to grow, everywhere I look I am drawn into it's cultivation. Prayer seems to work in this construct as well.

This morning a guy, who I hardly know, helped me out with one of those typical "guy jobs" without being asked. It was a quick project and I'm sure he thought nothing of it. I, on the other hand, was pretty much ready to make out with him for helping me. This left me with a dilemma. No, it wasn't do I or don't I...I'm not that kind of girl (for the most part). My dilemma was, what am I missing that would cause me to have such a strong reaction to such a small act?

At first glance, it seems pretty clear what I'm missing...and there is probably some truth in that. But when I prayed about it, I kept coming back to the desire for a reciprocal relationship. I often set myself up in relationships (friendships, dating, work, you name it) where I am serving others but I am left feeling taken for granted. The catch is that most of my friends would LOVE to help me out, all I would have to do is ask. But I can't seem to get the words out. I get frustrated that people don't just know my needs, why can't you read my mind? So I prayed that God would help me develop relationships where I can be more truthful.

Eight hours later I found myself unexpectedly sitting in a coffee shop with a relatively new friend, and what does he want to talk about? Relationships. Not complaining, not theorizing, just talking honestly about why we worry, how we feel. I shared patterns I have seen in myself that I can't seem to break, and he shared family history that prevents the growth of healthy relationships. We were both needy, we were both strong. It was a good thing.

Another thread of this has come up through the whole blogging world. I have been wrestling with what it really means to follow Christ. What does it really look like here in America where church is more about what makes us feel good instead of about what we need? As I'm thinking about what this I come across a little something at BWC's Blog. Hmm. Then I go over to John Pattison who references his brother's blog. Hmm. Then I check out LCB and guess where he leads me? Sometimes the search for truth is lonesome, other times it's lined with flashing neon signs. I can hear the sign buzzing, but I can't quite read what it's telling me.

4V SFV N 1SR 2S&L L

2008-03-04T22:02:00.004-06:00

If you can read the title of this post, you might be a barista. After 8 glorious months at St. Arbucks, the time has come to say goodbye. I will miss my co-workers & regulars, I will miss the copious amounts of free coffee that I have been drinking, I will even miss setting up the pastry case...we had a darn fine pastry case. I will not however, miss waking up at 3:30am (okay, snoozing until 3:50am). I will not miss being torn between multiple jobs and I WILL NOT miss smelling like stale coffee all the time.

Side Note- You would think that smelling like coffee would be great, but it is so gross. It's not so much a coffee smell as it is an old garbage smell. ew.

So it's time to start the next chapter. The one where I work full-time at the church I love, get more than 5 hours of sleep a night, and wean myself off the juice...if only there were a pastry case I could organize...

Love is a Many Splendored Thing

2008-03-02T18:40:00.006-06:00

There has been a lot going on this week, and I feel bad that I haven't been updating. In the way of apologies, I will not subject you to my ramblings, but instead will provide you with some things that I am totally in love with right now. From books to food, from geekiness to girliness, these are the things that make me smile!

1. Deuteronomy 30:19. I've been meditating on this verse for about a week, I sang it in church today...I wonder if maybe God had it written just for me.
2. Wendell Berry. I know I've already mentioned him, but his books are really speaking to me right now. I just finished Jayber Crow, now I'm working through some essays. "Better than any argument is to rise at dawn and pick dew-wet red berries in a cup." (sigh)
3. Quick & Easy Indian Food. I love that I can bring garam masala or bombay potatoes to work and never have to clean a single dish! And it is actually good!
4. Susan O'Brien. Great recipes, loads of information...makes me want to move to Gig Harbor and spend my days peeking into her kitchen window!
5. This widget. I couldn't give you the definition of what a widget is, but I love this one. It's on my dashboard (MacSpeak) and I ponder the question everyday, asking friends and customer's what their thoughts are. It makes me seem WAY more insightful.
6. Cereal. I have never liked cereal in my life. I'm not sure why, but it always kind of grossed me out. But this cereal is so good and it has the benefit of being the loudest known to man. Move over Snap, Crackle & Pop!
7. Dolly Parton. I know what you're thinking, but I LOVE Dolly parton. Sometimes she's silly, sometimes she's beautiful, but she is always her slightly-odd self and I really respect that. (not to mention she used Amy Sedaris in her video...awesome)
8. Coffee. Not just any coffee, hometown coffee. I've been making a list of the coffee shops I need to stop at when I'm back in Portland next week. Ristretto, Stumptown...can I bring an extra suitcase to load up for the return trip?
9. Living WIthout magazine. It's like Martha Stewart for people with food allergies (except for that nasty prison business...don't worry Martha, I've forgiven you)
10. Getting out of my comfort zone. Taking a job that's going to stretch me, making new friends, going to a water park with a bunch of junior high students, standing firm when others don't agree with me...it seems it's all in a days work lately. And I have to say, the stretch is good for the soul.

CHOCOLATE!

2008-02-27T00:11:00.003-06:00

I'm a total emotional eater. I know it's not good, I know that I should find comfort in God, not food...but sometimes when the going gets tough, the tough get ice cream. The good news is, that given my new eating style, even the "splurges" aren't too bad. Here's my "Seriously, I have to go to work tomorrow? Can't I just stay in bed, milkshake" aka mocha shake

In a blender combine:
2 (or three!) scoops of Espresso Soy Delicious
1/2 c. unsweetened chocolate soy milk

toss in a few carob chips and you're good to go!

Sabbath (part deux)

2008-02-25T20:09:00.004-06:00

I have had the blessing of time over the past few days. It is a gift that we all so desperately desire, but once we get some, we usually squander it away. How often I have spent precious hours thinking about what I should be doing, or doing things that mean nothing! But every so often those spare minutes add up to create hours of space; a sacred gift for our over-programed hearts and minds.

There are dishes in the sink and laundry in the bin, emails to be answered and reports to be read. They will be there tomorrow. One of the first things they say in functional medicine is to embrace the practices that make your body feel healthy and whole; treat illness first with nutrition and joy, then add medication where needed. Tonight my prescription is to curl up with a bowl of chai rice pudding* and a mug of warm hazelnut milk, watch the snow fall and read a good book.

I am in the process of reading Jayber Crow by Wendell Berry. The end is tugging at me, but I am leaning back trying to slow the momentum as I savor the simplicity of truth in this beautiful book. Here is just a sampling of quotes that I have post-it noted around my apartment...

"I watch and I wonder and I think. I think of the old slavery, and of the way The Economy has now improved upon it. The new slavery has improved upon the old by giving the new slaves the illusion that they are free. The Economy does not take people's freedom by force, which would be against its principles, for it is very humane. It buys their freedom, pays for it, and then persuades its money to go back again with shoddy goods and the promise of freedom. Buy a car, it says, and be free. Buy a boat and be free. Buy a beer and be free. Is this not the raw material of bad dreams? Or is it maybe the very nightmare itself?"

“As I have read the gospels over the years the belief has grown in me that Christ did not come to found an organized religion, but came instead to found an unorganized one. He seems to have come to carry religion out of the temples into the fields and sheep pastures, onto the roadsides and banks of rivers, into the houses of publicans and sinners, into the town and the wilderness, toward the membership of all that is here."

Life pushes forward so fast, and sometimes that drive is a glorious thing. But there are times when our feet burn from digging our heels in, times when our bodies have to remind our brains that we were created for more than this.

"It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest to his loved ones." Psalm 127:2

* Chai Rice Pudding (or if you know me from Houma...puddin')
4 cups soy milk
1 cup arborio rice (can use long grain)
1/2 cup agave nectar
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon cardamom
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice

Combine soy milk, rice, and agave nectar in a saucepan. Bring to a boil and then reduce the heat and simmer, uncovered, for 45-50 minutes, or until the rice is tender. Stir occasionally and add the spices just before serving. Leftovers store well in the refrigerator and can be eaten warmed up or cold.

The Oscar Goes To...

2008-02-24T21:55:00.002-06:00

Once! I'm so glad that this song won. If you don't know it, listen to it. Then go download some albums from The Frames. Then go see the movie. Seriously, you'll feel good.

On the Seventh Day God Created Salons...

2008-02-23T22:12:00.004-06:00

It's amazing what a true day off can do for you. We tend to fill our "free days" with all of the things that we couldn't fit into our normal days. There are errands to be run, rooms to be cleaned, floors to be swept; even the time we spend with friends and family can begin to feel dutiful. I often feel like my days off are spent preparing for my days on. I am always preparing for what is to come next instead of resting in what has come now.

Today the time has come to rest. I will take the time to eat what is healthy, do what is joyful and be with those who are precious. Here is the diary of a generous sabbath:

Morning- Sleep in (although when you usually wake up at 3:30am pretty much anything is sleeping in). The sun came into my window, it was a lovely surprise given the gloomy weather we've been having. I opened my shades, gave my dog a pat on the head and went back to sleep. Glorious.

10:30am- Stop in the coffee shop to meet up with Megan. Catch up with some friends, eat some cereal and drink a soy latte.

11:00am- Megan and I go to Albert's. Albert is a salon owner and a regular at the shop. He has repeatedly offered to "showcase (our) beauty". Many of his clients come in with his signature cut, which can best be summed up with the word big. Needless to say, I was a little worried, but I decided to trust my new friend and let him clip away. He started by coloring my hair with an organic, chemical free dye. He then proceeded to give me the fastest haircut I have ever seen. Albert calls himself a free-cutter. There is no measuring one side to the next, no comb & clip. He looked at me, asked if I trusted him and began to slide the scissors through my hair. In less than five minutes the entire cut was done. After the blowout I was wonderfully surprised to find that I loved my hair. I was then ushered over to the other side of the salon to have my eyebrows done. I am not one who usually has perfectly manicured brows, in fact, I've only ever had them done twice. I got on the table and prepared to have the wax spread on my face. I was a bit surprised to turn and see thread coming out of the aesthetician's mouth. She said she was going to thread my eyebrows. Hmm... I have to say that although it is a bit more painful, it looks darn good. I left Albert's feeling refreshed and cared for. But my favorite part of the spa day? Albert did it all for free, just because he wanted to do something nice for the girl who makes his coffee.

1:30pm- Browse Whole Foods for some exciting, new gluten-free goodness. I found a little something to take to work for lunch. Yumm.

2:30- Spend time cooking meals for the week. There is great joy in preparing healthy and delicious lunches. It makes me so excited to go to work!

3:30- Take Sam to the dog beach. It was the first day in weeks where it has been above freezing. The sun was shining and there was only a slight breeze. As Sam ran around chasing the Great Danes, I chatted with new friends, and watching the ice flows break off into Lake Michigan. We marveled at how much a landlocked lake could look like Alaska...without the mountains, wildlife, or peace & quiet.

5:00- Eat some freshly made enchiladas with vegan sour cream and ripe avocados.

6:00- Meet up with Megan again for a girls night which includes, showing off our new hair cuts, picking out snacks, hitting the movies and talking about boys.

11:00pm- Go to bed a little early and snuggle up with a pooped pooch and a good book.

God new what he was doing when he rested on the seventh day.

Supper Club

2008-02-18T22:25:00.005-06:00

Tonight was a great time of reconnecting with some old friends at a new hangout. Jon & Tiffany, Scott, Noelle and I all hit the Chicago Diner for a vegetarian/vegan/gluten free culinary adventure. I had been to the Diner when I first moved to Chicago a few years ago, but it was the first time for everyone else.

Chicago Diner excels at making vegan/vegetarian food accessible. The flavors remind you of your favorite diner specialties, but each one has a healthy twist. I savored every bite of my "polenta fiesta". It was a large slice of firm polenta covered with an herbed vegan cream cheese, spinach, onions & sweet potato fries served with black beans and spanish rice. Dessert, blueberry/raspberry "cheese"cake was from the raw food menu, and was a very satisfying end to a fantastic meal. Good food and good friends made for a good night.

The Chicago Diner is a vegetarian/vegan institution in our fair city. The food is great, prices are reasonable and the selection is surprisingly broad. No matter what your eating habits, I think you will enjoy your meal. It's a small place and they don't take reservations, so if you can get there before 6:00pm you'll have the best luck. They also have a separate gluten-free menu, you just have to ask your server. Chicago Diner is a great introduction to the v/v lifestyle but with a down-home twist that will remind you of mom's cooking.

As a side note, I'm trying to be more diligent about posting recipes that I am testing. Currently I am very focused on trying to create some sauces that I can keep on hand. So here are two that have worked out nicely.

BBQ Sauce
3/4 ketchup
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon dijon mustard
1/2 cup to 1 cup water (depending on desired consistency)
1 tablespoon brown rice syrup
1/4 teaspoon tabasco
1/4 teaspoon chili powder

Mix everything together. Anything not used immediately should be stored in an airtight container in the refrigerator.

Vegan Sour Cream
You can purchase vegan sour cream, but most brands contain sugar
1 1/2 cups firm silken tofu
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 tablespoon canola oil
1 teaspoon brown rice syrup
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons cider vinegar
water as needed

Put everything in a blender and puree until smooth. If it's too thick, slowly add water until desired consistency. Will keep for 2 weeks.

Food for Thought

2008-02-17T21:07:00.004-06:00

Sometimes hope comes in the offer of a new job, or a new relationship. Other times it comes with a sunny day or the opening of the farmers market. But sometimes it comes in a small Methodist chapel on a soggy winter night.

Tonight I was able to hear Jim Wallis speak as part of his latest book tour. I went into the evening expecting to enjoy the time, but that was about it. I subscribe to Sojourners magazine, I read God's Politics in two days and I just started his new book, The Great Awakening. Suffice it to say that I respect the work that Rev. Wallis is doing. I also enjoy book readings in general. I think it's fascinating to hear the author's words in his or her own voice. Sometimes the blend of narrative and physical voice is so perfect. Anne Lamott, David Sedaris and Sarah Vowell all sound exactly as I imagine them, complete with appropriate facial expressions. Jeffrey Eugenides, although completely engaging, has a voice that lacks the epic tone of his novels. Each time I hear him speak I feel as if he is reading from someone else's book.

Jim Wallis sounds very much like his writing. He has a deep voice that sort of rattles in his chest. It reminds me of sitting around the Christmas tree, listening to my father read from Luke. He also spoke fondly of his recent time in Portland, which immediately earned him a place in my heart. Rev. Wallis is not a tall man, but he has a huge presence. I had forgotten that before he was a writer, he was a preacher. When he speaks you have to stop and listen. Whatever your politics may be, Jim provides thoughtful commentary on the importance of faith and the responsibilities of the political system.

I wish that I could transcribe what was said and post it, but I know that it wouldn't hold the same power. I began the evening taking vigorous notes, but quickly decided to sit back and pray that I would benefit by osmosis; let the words sink into my cells. Two of the ideas that have stuck in my brain revolve around hope. The first was that our most important choice does not revolve around issues or candidates; we must choose between cynicism and hope. When hopeful people don't see change they often become cynics. As believers, we are called to have a hope that the world cannot take away. The second is a short flow chart:
Faith prompts hope. Hope calls us to action. Action brings about change. Faith, Hope, Action, Change. Most people don't notice until the change comes, they wait for the celebration party. We are called to be there for the faith, we may not see the celebration clearly, but we must have the faith and hope that it is coming.

If Jim Wallis is going to be in your area I encourage you to take the time to listen. We could all use a little more hope in our diets.

It's Not Easy Being Green...

2008-02-16T21:02:00.003-06:00

I love the way that good food transports you. There is a certain smell of eggs and ham that reminds me of my great-grandmother's kitchen, there is a warm fullness of wine that brings me back to ditching school to go swimming in college and there is a spicy black pepper tingle that taste's just like Mom's cooking. This is the magic of food. This is why we love food so much, not just the taste, but for the way it makes us feel.

Today was a beautiful day here in Chicago, bright and sunny...but still cold. It has been a hard winter, the kind that makes you understand that pioneer spirit; there is a longing to go west! The weeks of frigid temperatures have left me dreaming of spring. While I can't capture the warmth of the season, I might just be able to capture the taste. And nothing says spring more than the freshness of vegetables and herbs. In a season where everything is covered with snow and ice, I crave things that are green and full of life. Winter food is heavy and comforting, but sometimes you just want something bright and refreshing. It's time for pasta verde!

Pasta Verde
1 pkg pasta (rice, tofu, whatever you like)
1 tablespoon olive oil
2 cloves of garlic, crushed
1 cup spinach (can also use frozen after thawing and squeezing out excess water)
2-4 tablespoons pesto
salt & pepper
parmesan cheese (vegan if you're me)

Prepare pasta according to directions on package. Saute olive oil and garlic. Add chopped spinach into pan and allow to wilt slightly. Put warm pasta in a bowl, top with spinach mixture and add a few tablespoons of pesto. Stir gently and add salt & pepper to taste. Top with parmesan cheese and enjoy!

Things Go From Bad to Worse, or Olan Mills Photo Day

2008-02-15T21:22:00.005-06:00

Today has been a long day which culminated in a final horrifying event...an Olan Mills photo shoot. After working all morning I had to complete some training and then a meeting. I was starving so I thought I would grab some lunch and try to catch up on some emails over at Panera. This was a risky move as stores known for bread are not usually gluten-free friendly, but I had high hopes that I could find something on the menu. I ordered the vegetarian vegetable soup after spending a good amount of time discussing the ingredients with my very friendly cashier. I sat down with my soup and apple (if you don't want the side of bread they will give you an apple instead), said a quick prayer, opened up the laptop and started multi-tasking.

After about three bites I noticed that there was a texture in the soup that seemed funny to me. I began to inspect the soup more carefully to find it covered in little white dots. Hmm, not too many vegetables that fall into the little white dot category. I went back to the counter and tried to get some clarification.

Me: Excuse me, can you tell me what these little dots are?

Panera Person: Um, what do they taste like?

M: Well, I'm trying not to eat them because if they are wheat or animal products they might make me sick.

PP: Oh, let me check. (comes back after a few minutes) You don't have to worry, it's not wheat, it's just pasta.

M: Normal pasta...made from wheat?

PP: Is that what pasta's made from. Oh, you shouldn't eat that.

Awesome.

About an hour later I started feeling kind of sick, started getting kind of itchy, ended up covered in hives. HIVES! I don't think I've ever had hives in my life. Suddenly the area around my mouth and my chin were getting pimple-y looking hives. In some ways this is good news. It's a reaction that can be measured, my doctor will be thrilled. But it just so happens that shortly after the hives popped up I was scheduled to have my picture taken for the church's photo directory.

Again...Awesome.

Now, I'm not a big fan of having my picture taken on days when I'm feeling good, so this situation was not optimal. I went into the bathroom and tried to cover up as much as I could with some good old MK. I went up early to try and squeeze in and go home early. I sat in front of the mauve marbled background, turned my head, tilted it up, put my chin down, said, "Hooray for Friday" through clenched teeth and packed up to go home. Little did I know that I had to sit through the sales pitch with Anton.

Anton: Wow, you're really photogenic.

Me: (trying to figure out if he's looking at the same pics that I'm seeing on the screen) Oh, I bet you say that to all the girls.

A: So let me tell you about all the options that we have here at Olan Mills. (proceeds to show me weird posed portraits that are supposed to look like oil paintings) Don't you think your Mom and Dad would love one of these photos of you?

M: I don't think it really looks that much like me. I've never been great with this kind of stuff.

A: Well we could airbrush anything that you aren't happy with.

M: Are you saying that I need to be airbrushed?

A: No, no. I'm just saying that your parents would probably love a photo of you looking the best you possibly can.

M: But if I'm airbrushed then it's not really MY best, right?

A: I'm just saying it's an option.

M: So if you were me, what would you want to airbrush away?

A: Um, did I tell you I can get it in an oval shape, I would even give you a discount on a frame...that's always nice.

Say it with me now...Awesome.

So that's that. I don't think that Anton was being rude, selling airbrushing is like selling rust-proofing, you're just supposed to try. It's just not a conversation I wanted to have with hives burning through my concealer. Well, I'm off to bed since I'm working tomorrow morning. Does anyone know if having your face covered in calamine lotion is within the bounds of the Starbucks dress code?

Happy Birthday Carmen! I hope you spent some time dancing...there's no better way to celebrate than dancing in front of the window with abandon. :)

p.s. The photo isn't me or my dog, check the link.

Love

2008-02-14T23:14:00.000-06:00

I spent my Valentine's evening at New Life, a women's shelter on the border of Evanston and Chicago. I went in with the desire to serve, with the hope of sharing out of the bounty that God has given me. Instead, I was the beneficiary of the kindness and hope that these women share. We ate dinner, decorated cupcakes with the kids, and got to know one another.

As I sat with one woman she began telling me how worried she had been all day. Her son, she said with a hint of pride, was a student at NIU. After the shooting she had been unable to get in touch with him. She was just released from the hospital that morning after being checked in with pneumonia. She has not been able to find a job and she isn't sure how she is going to pay for the bills that her illness accrued. She said she felt so blessed. Her son had called right before dinner, nothing else mattered.

Hug the people you love tonight, cuddle the animals who keep you safe, pray for those who are wounded physically, emotionally or mentally and thank God that you are so blessed.

Happy Birthday Matt! In the world of brothers you are definitely in the top three.

Teff & Agar...and other T & A

2008-02-13T22:59:00.004-06:00

I've recently discovered two new ingredients in the gf, sf, vegan world; teff and agar. I was introduced to these new wonders by the folks over at Rose's Bakery in Evanston.

Teff, also called lovegrass (apropos, don't you think?) is similar to millet. It has some great health benefits including all 8 amino acids, loads of lysine and plenty of fiber. I'm just beginning to experiment with bread making and it seems to provide a mighty fine loaf. Hopefully you will see a recipe up soon, but until then it's worth giving it a try if you get a chance.

Agar, also called China Grass, is that jelly that they put in petri dishes. No seriously, I eat that stuff now. Lest you think that I go around breaking into labs licking cultures, let me explain. Agar also comes in a powdered form which can be used as a vegan/vegetarian gelatin substitute. Sometimes it is used to thicken soups, ice creams (or in my case soy creams) or sauces, but my current project revolves around trying to create my own sugar free jelly. My favorite jelly is so good, but oh so spendy, so I'm hoping to perfect a recipe that I can use over the summer to stockpile some fantastic jams & jellies of my own. Agar is a pretty fun ingredient to work with because it makes me feel like a scientist, but beware, it is also a pretty powerful laxative so a little goes a long way!

And if that's not enough fun for one day, here is an article that my brother sent me about the world's first vegan strip club, Portland should be proud! I mean really, just because you don't eat meat doesn't mean you should have to stop treating women like pieces of it!

Check-up, Check-in

2008-02-12T15:50:00.000-06:00

I have been living the sf, gf, vegan lifestyle for about a month and a half and today it was time for my first check-up. It was an interesting experience to see what things the doctors were looking at and to hear what kind of symptoms they felt were of note. For instance; generally feeling better=not interesting, the texture of my hair=very interesting or my weight=not interesting, the thickness of my fingernails=very interesting.

Of course all of this makes some sort of sense. Anyone who is eating in the manner that I am would probably feel better or shed unwanted pounds. But not everyone would experience the deeper benefits of nutrients to a malnourished body. Thankfully the signs are good. Things are looking better on the micro level as well as the macro. Of course, we don't know which of the many things that have been removed from my life is the culprit yet, but it does appear that we're starting to get close!

All of this has made me think about what it is that has brought me to this point. Some of you who read this blog have seen my health problems first-hand, some have discussed it with me, and some of you have no idea who I am to begin with. So I thought that this would be a good opportunity to talk about the whys of being a sf, gf, vegan. This was not a decision that I came to over-night. I also feel like it is important to be truthful about what has been going on in my life because God has really used it to shape a lot of what I am experiencing now.

So here's the rundown:

It all started in July. I began having symptoms that I chalked up to stress, lack of sleep and general anxiety. After a month I figured I should really get some of these checked out. I went to my first doctor's appointment in August and I have been on a first name basis with the receptionist ever since.

Symptoms (in order of first appearance)
-general pain, mostly deep muscle and joint
-irregular heartbeat
-constant fatigue
-muscle tremors
-seizures
-kidney stones
-hair loss
-diagnosis of malnourishment (based on nutrient & vitamin levels)

Awesome, huh?

So after 5-6 months of this, I knew that something had to change. I have been poked, prodded, tested and drugged. Some of the symptoms have gone away, but we are still missing a reason for all these symptoms, we need a diagnosis. Although my symptoms were not textbook food allergy/intolerance symptoms (usually it is manifested with digestion issues, which were the one thing that never came up), I jumped at the chance to try and locate a problem through diet instead of through a needle in my spine. While the thought of living with these kind of food restrictions seems unbearable to many, I can honestly say that it seems supremely wonderful compared to living with a pharmacy in your medicine cabinet.

The discussion that has led me to be thinking about all of this was when my doctor told me that it is now time to start weaning myself off of my anti-seizure meds. I haven't had a seizure in 3 months. Seizures are terrifying. I have had the blessing/curse of knowing when I am about to seize...I can feel it. It's a blessing because I am able to remove myself from situations that might be embarrassing or dangerous (i.e. pull the car over!) but it's a curse because knowing that you are about to loose control of your body is the worst feeling I have ever known (and I had a spinal tap and kidney stones people). My seizures have been mild, I don't writhe on the floor, but the thought of possibly having another one makes me sick to my stomach.

I have to go off this medication (it takes a few months to wean yourself from it), so that we can see if the change in diet has actually had any effect. It's important, I understand this. I hate this.

I'm nervous about having the actual seizure, about the feeling and effects that it has on me. I'm more nervous about what having the seizure would mean. What if this isn't really working? What if taking medications for an undiagnosed illness is going to be part of my life forever?

The idea that I keep coming back to throughout this thought process is trust. In whom, or in what do I put my trust. It's a strange thing to not trust your own body. I am very aware that at any moment my body could betray me. But can I trust a God who would let this happen to me? Or let things that are so much worse happen to others? This is my constant struggle, who is ultimately going to be in control? Right now I can confidently say God, provision seems abundant. But my memory is far too short. When faith seems thin again, when things aren't going according to plan, I'm quick to forget the joy of this dependence. How do you savor the faithful times?

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun...

2008-02-09T00:33:00.000-06:00

Some nights you just have to go out and have some fun. Recently I have been spending my Friday evenings catching up on some much needed sleep. Waking up at 3:30am does not usually make for a lot of late night partying. But tonight has been a different story.

Megan, who courageously joined me for my first month of "guilt-free" living, took me to a biker bar in Wicker Park. Well it's a bicycler bar. Handlebar caters to biking enthusiasts by having free bike parking, specials for bike messengers, and really healthy food options. The whole vibe of the bar is laid back with a little eccentricity. I felt totally at ease and the best part were the MULTIPLE dinner options I had. I was trying to decide between three different choices, and ended up going with the recommendation of the waiter and Megan; Applewood Smoked Tofu.

It was a large piece of smoked tofu over a bed of quinoa and swiss chard with a spicy tomato & shallot sauce. The tofu was fantastic, full of flavor and I loved the way they made the quinoa, it was almost crunchy instead of the chewy consistency I'm used to. And it was nice to have options that were all so reasonably priced. Megan had the BBQ seitan sandwich, a good vegan choice, but all you gf's need to remember that seitan is wheat, so stay away!

I also splurged a bit and tried my first gluten free beer. I am a hardcore beer lover, so I've been very skeptical of beer without wheat or barley. The beer I had was New Grist, which is apparently an award-winner, to be fair the awards were against other gluten free beer...so take it with a grain of salt. It's a light tasting beer made from rice and sorghum, it has a slight sake-ish aftertaste. So bottom line, it tastes pretty much like Miller High Life. Not exactly the microbrew taste sensation I had hoped for, but at least it takes after the champagne of beers, could be worse, could be PBR.

After dinner Megan and I went to see Persepolis. I highly recommend! I was surprised to see the way the animation changed the way I expereinced such a heart breaking story. There was a disconnection to the violence which gave me a feeling of what it would be like to see it as a child, without the understanding of what was really happening. There was an immediate connection with the emotions, both happy and sad, through the way it was drawn. If it comes to your area, it's worth taking a step out of your usual viewing and checking Persepolis out!

All in all, it was great food, great movie, but even better friendship. I sometimes the blessings just keep coming.

2008-02-07T18:26:00.000-06:00

I've had some heavy blog entries lately, so I think it's time for some fun! My heart has seemed so much lighter today. It's a bit ironic that I seem to have embraced a new sense of joy during the sacrifice-centered season of Lent, but I think that this is God's plan for sacrifice. When we live in such excess, we neglect the little things that God has entrusted to us, we miss out on the daily grace.

So to show how self-denial can lead to happiness, here's a recipe where the denial of sugar won't even be missed. You get to eat something delicious, and your body gets the benefit of all natural ingredients, just as God intended. Not to mention you get the joys of cooking and eating...grab a fork!

Pumpkin Bars
from Susan O'Brien

2 cups sorghum flour (easy to find at natural food stores, it just sounds scary)
2 teaspoons baking powder
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon of salt
4 eggs*
14 ounces pureed pumpkin
3/4 cup agave nectar
3/4 cup unsweetened applesauce
1/4 cup canola oil
3/4 cup chopped walnuts or pecans (optional, but if you're vegan you should add in the protein when you can!)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In medium bowl, stir together the flour, baking powder, cinnamon, salt and baking soda. In a large bowl, beat together the agave nectar and oil until smooth. Add the eggs, pumpkin and applesauce. Add the flour mixture to the liquid ingredients. Beat until combined. Stir in nuts. Spread batter in an ungreased 9x11 baking pan. Bake for 25-35 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean. Cool completely on a wire rack. Cut into squares.

*If you are making this recipe vegan, you can use a manufactured egg substitute, or you can use my favorite egg substitution for baking, which will also add fiber and omega-3's! Just mix 1 tablespoon ground flaxseed with 3 tablespoons of water for each egg needed.

And as a side note, here's my lenten prayer for this week. It's called The Prayer of Abandonment:
Father, I abandon myself into your hands;
do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.

Let only your will be done in me,
and in all your creatures -
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul:
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,
for I love you, Lord, and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
for you are my Father.

Rising From the Ashes

2008-02-06T21:46:00.000-06:00

I had a blog entry all prepared for today. I've been thinking about Ash Wednesday and Lent for a long time. I've been confused about what I would give up, I've thought of ways to write about this beautiful ritual that so many churches have left behind. I've wrestled with what God was calling me to meditate on during this season. I did all of this and then today happened.

I'm not going to go into the details of everything that has happened; suffice it to say that I have never felt God so clearly providing for me as I have today. This is not hyperbole, this is pure astonishment at how God cares for His children. At some point I want to share with you all of the amazing blessings that I experienced today, but truthfully I am still in process.

I have lost so much of the joy in my life over the past 8 months. Extended health problems, unmet expectations, broken relationships; it has felt as if I could not catch a break. As I started blogging and journaling, I realized that so much of the dissatisfaction that I was feeling was due to my inability to give God complete control of every situation in my life. In the time leading up to Lent I have felt so convicted about my lack of surrender, that it informed my choice of sacrifice.

I spent time on Monday confessing. My desire for control, my need to "keep up apprearances", my inability to see God when things aren't going perfectly for me; I spent time confessing each of these and more. I woke up on Tuesday feeling like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was honestly thanking God for the work he is doing in me.

In my prayers last night I said, "God, if nothing in my life changes, if I remain in this situation forever, if I never accomplish the goals that I have set for myself; it is enough to spend my time serving you. It is more than satisfaction, my joy is complete right now, right here."

As if on cue, when I was finally able to let go of the things that I was grasping so tightly, God was able to fill my empty hands with the things He knew I needed. Yes, this sounds naive to many of you; I can understand that. All I can say is that this is my experience, this is my story. I believe in a God that is with us, so my relationship with Him cannot be distant.

Some of you read this blog to get recipes, and to you I promise that more recipes will be coming. Some of you read this blog to get to know me a little better, to you I say that you cannot know me apart from my relationship with Christ. Apart from that relationship, I do not know myself. Kierkegaard wrote, "And now, with Christ, I am becoming more of myself." May it be so.

It's a Super, Fat Tuesday

2008-02-05T22:36:00.000-06:00

There is plenty to do today. There are ballots to be cast, Lenten disciplines to be decided and paczki to dream about.

On such a busy day, it's important to keep your energy up, so here's a little snack that you can take to the polls or use to help curb your cravings for Fat Tuesday sweets. (If you're not me, give in and have the sweets!)

Salt & Pepper Cashews

dry roasted cashews (as many or as few as you want to make, I usually do a big batch)
olive oil/grapeseed oil
sea salt
fresh ground black pepper

Spread the cashews evenly on a cookie sheet, toast in a 200 degree oven for about 10 minutes. Lightly coat warm cashews with oil of choice. Sprinkle liberally with salt and pepper. Let cool completely on cookie sheet before storing in an air-tight container.

Thanks to asbojesus for letting me use the cartoon!

The Blood of Christ, Shed for You

2008-02-04T18:07:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I served my first communion as an elder at my church. I was surprised to find myself really nervous about how it would go and whether or not I would do it right. From the outside it is a seemingly simple act; I hold a cup, people dip bread in it, I say "the blood of Christ, shed for you." Easy right?

I realize that the act of communion seems weird to many people. Phrases like, "eat the body" or "drink the blood" make me sound more parts vampire than devout. I remember as a kid, watching my parents take communion. There seemed to be something so special about what they were doing, although I didn't understand it, I knew that it was sacred.

When I began taking communion I felt like I had joined some sort of special club. The practice of passing the elements, the secret prayers that I said during the times of meditation, even the taste of the grape juice that my church used reminded me that I was part of something different, something holy.

As I got older, communion became a ritual that I enjoyed, but placed little meaning in. I often used the time to look holy; bowing my head, seeming to go into deep meditation, praying even though my mind was wandering. Communion was a way for others to see how righteous I was without giving them the insight into my life which would prove otherwise.

In college I began to turn away from my faith. I had grown up with church and religion being such ingrained practices, I wasn't sure if the faith that I talked about was actually my own, or just the product of my upbringing. I began to seek out other religions, other ways of thinking. I never stopped believing in a higher power, but I wasn't sure how organized religion fit into that.

After a lot of searching and questioning, I returned to the faith of my childhood. I have found truth in following Christ that I have not been able to find anywhere else. The first step on that prodigal road for me was communion. I still remember coming forward and kneeling before the pastor, I remember that he knew my name and told me that this was Christ's body and Christ's blood shed "especially" for me. I remember knowing that this was the only meal I needed to sustain me, that this was the symbol that would remind me of my submission to the authority of God.

With all of this running through my mind, I felt the pressure of upholding this sacred tradition for those who would partake on Sunday. I prayed that I would not get in the way of those coming forward.

I was surprised to find that God used serving others to serve me. Being on this diet, I am not able to take communion. I participate in the ritual, but do not eat the bread. The ritual is important, but I have found myself still feeling empty without the elements. But this Sunday, as I watched everyone come forward; many of whom I did not know, some of whom I love dearly, God fed me with their devotion. As my church family came forward, I realized that they are the physical manifestation of the body and the blood. Just as Christ died for me, he also died for us. We are the living Eucharist that Christ offers to this world. We must allow ourselves to be broken, we must allow our tears and at times our blood to be shed to become the hands and feet of Christ. Receiving the elements is a privilege that I miss, but becoming the elements is a calling that I am learning to embrace.

What's In Your Superbowl?

2008-02-03T22:05:00.000-06:00

Are you ready for some football? I do love a good Superbowl party. I'm not a huge football fan, but I like watching the big games. But even more than the football, Superbowl parties are all about the food! I was worried that I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself by missing out on all the usual suspects of buffalo wings, cheesy dips, sweet and sour meatballs, beer...I'm getting hungry already.

Luckily I had a few recipes up my sleeve. Along with a great rice dish from my friend Megan and some salsa, veggies and gluten free chips, I had a great time without missing a thing.

Chili Cheese Dip
4 ounces vegan cream cheese (I use Tofutti)
1 cup of chili
1/4 cup shredded vegan rice cheese (I used pepper jack)

Spread an even layer of cream cheese in baking dish or microwave-safe bowl. Top with chili and heat through. Top with cheese, heat enough to melt cheese. Serve with tortilla chips and veggies.

Channa Masala
adapted from Madhur Jaffrey

1 tablespoon grapeseed oil
2 medium onions (peeled and minced)
1 clove garlic (peeled and minced)
1 tablespoon ground coriander
2 teaspoons ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon ground cayenne pepper
1 teaspoon ground turmeric
6 tablespoons chopped tomatoes
1 cup water
2 (15 ounce) cans chickpeas, rinsed and drained
2 teaspoons ground roasted cumin seeds
1 tablespoon amchoor powder
2 teaspoons paprika
1 teaspoon garam masala
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 lemon (juiced)
1 fresh, hot green chili pepper (minced)
2 teaspoons grated fresh ginger

Heat oil in a large skillet. Add onions and garlic and sauté over a medium heat until browned (3-5 minutes).Turn heat to medium-low. Add the coriander, cumin (not the roasted cumin), cayenne and turmeric. Stir for a few seconds. Add the tomatoes. Cook the tomatoes until browned lightly. Add chickpeas and a cup of water and stir.
Add the roasted cumin, amchoor, paprika, garam masala, salt and lemon juice. Cook covered for 10 minutes. Remove the cover add the minced chili and ginger. Stir and cook uncovered for 30 seconds.

This dish is usually served with naan, roti or pita. I ate it with chips. I added some spinach to the leftovers and served it with rice...delish!

Girls Night

2008-02-03T21:54:00.000-06:00

Last night I had a girls night with two of the hippest chicks in town, my nieces Zinta & Indra. It's been awhile since we've hung out so we had some serious catching up to do.

We started the evening off with a cupcake baking project. I used GF baking mix so that I didn't have to carry around a bunch of ingredients. It worked out pretty well. We used some Earth Balance, almond milk, agave nectar, & ground flaxseed to substitute for the recommended ingredients. Our original plan was to bake some cupcakes that they would be able to share with a friend of theirs who has celiac. Unfortunately, I didn't know that the friend is also unable to eat chocolate which just happened to the flavor that we were making. So we decided that these were just the practice cupcakes. Although they were practice, they did get a solid thumbs up from myself and the girls.

After baking, we decided it was game time. We played a little Candyland, then it was time for Bird-opoly. If you thought normal Monopoly was boring, you've never played it with birds. We did have fun playing, I've just never been a big Monopoly fan. Once we were all gamed out, we decided to chill out with a movie.

It was a really good night. I'm left wondering why I am so quick to make time for the busyness of life, and so slow to make room for it's joys. It's easy to find my value in my work, my ministry, my busyness. But it's so difficult to find my value as an aunt, a sister, a daughter or a friend. I'm learning to discipline my body, but how do I discipline my mind?

Take Two

2008-02-02T15:36:00.000-06:00

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. I have missed baking since the diet change. Baking was something that I have always enjoyed. Combining different flavors, the physical process of mixing, sifting and kneading, creating something that makes people feel loved; baking is a powerful thing. And while I enjoy the process, it can be extremely frustrating to feel like you are bad at something you love. I think that's the real reason I'm not embracing gf, sf, vegan baking...I hate failure.

After the cookie fiasco I felt that it was important to get back on the horse. I went to Rose's Bakery for inspiration and I wasn't disappointed. I was able to try some wonderful creations and be inspired by bakers who have mastered the craft. Speaking with the bakery staff, I got some pointers on where to start and encouragement to not give up. I also got the idea (you could say I stole the idea) for what I would bring to a dinner party at the Atkins' for that night.

I chose my ingredients, made my plan and set to work baking. At the baker's recommendation I decided to make carrot mini cupcakes with cream cheese icing. Grating the carrots, chopping the nuts, choosing spices...it was just like old times! I did learn from my previous mistake and use a recipe.

I decided to bring the cupcakes to the dinner without trying them beforehand. I was afraid that if they weren't exactly how I had expected I would get frustrated and not bring them. The first taste test did not go so well. Zane, who is 3, liked the look of the cupcakes from the moment I walked in. I set the plate down and he asked, "What are those!" After a bit of playing, he dicided it was time to try them. He picked it up, touched it to his mouth and started to screaming, "I need a napkin! I need a napkin!" Not the reaction I was hoping for. Apparently these cupcakes are not suitable for children under 4! In the end, I'm not sure which part of the cupcakes my dear, little Zane didn't like because overall they recieved a great response from the dinner guests.

The cake came out moist (again a little more dense than typical cake) and the frosting was a big hit. I think the only thing I would change would be the amount of nuts I used. Now that I'm vegan, I'm always looking for ways to get more protein into my diet, so I put nuts in everything. Next time I make these I will probably do half with nuts and half without.

Here is the cake recipe. I will post the frosting next time I make it so I can double check the measurements. I forgot to get a picture for the blog, but trust me, they were cute!

Carrot Mini Cupcakes
adapted from Susan O'Brien's cookbook
1/2 cup agave nectar
1/3 plus 2 tablespoons shortening (I used Earth Balance)
1/2 cup carrots, shredded
2 tablespoons ground flaxseed plus 6 tablespoons of water, mixed (substitute for 2 eggs)
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 cup soy milk
1 3/4 cups brown rice flour
1/2 cup potato starch
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1 cup raisins
1/2 cup chopped walnuts
1/2 teaspoon of salt

Preheat oven to 350. Combine agave and 1/3 cup of shortening. Beat well. Add flax mixture and carrots, beat. Add vanilla and soymilk. Sift together all dry ingredients and slowly add to wet mixture until smooth. Stir in raisins and nuts. Pour batter into mini muffin tins (can use regular pans as well) and bake for 10-15 minutes. Cool on wire racks and then frost if desired.

Jealous?

2008-01-31T21:37:00.000-06:00

I know what you're thinking..."Don't eat it Melody, you've done so well this month. Don't give up now!" Well guess what, this cupcake is totally diet friendly! I stopped by Rose's Bakery in Evanston today to get inspiration for some afternoon baking (after my last attempt I needed it!). This bakery & cafe is completely wheat free and they offer sugar free and vegan options. It's a cute place with everything from breads to pizza crusts, brownies to cakes. Not to mention the cupcake actually tastes good! The cake is a little more dense than normal cake, the frosting is a little sweeter with the consistency of a thick buttercream. Even the price wasn't bad, this giant cupcake was only $3.

If you are gluten free you have to stop by Rose's. If you are sugar free and/or vegan, make sure you call ahead to see if they have anything with those restrictions made that day. This is just the treat I needed!

Tofu-oodles?

2008-01-31T13:18:00.000-06:00

A few nights ago, hours before the infamous website fiasco, I made spaghetti. There are a number of gluten free pastas out there, most are made with rice, but I haven't been all that interested in trying them yet. But when I was at Whole Foods the other day I found something called Tofu Shirataki from House Foods. These noodles are made from tofu and shaped like fettucini, spaghetti or angel hair pasta. Imagine if you were to take a block of extra firm tofu and and push it through one of those play-doh presses and you have got shirataki.

Surprisingly, the tofu spaghetti was really good, afforadable and SO EASY. The noodles are all cooked so all you have to do is open the package, rinse the noodles, microwave for about 2 minutes and drain the noodles again (remember they are tofu so they retain a lot of water). Mix in some sauce and you're good to go!

The noodles themselves don't have a whole lot of flavor (another tofu characteristic) so it's important to have a good sauce. The texture is a little chewier than normal pasta, but I'm guessing that you could probably sneak them into some dishes. Shiratake is packed with protein, so it's a good alternative to meat, beans & nuts. I think that these would be excellent in a soup or cold noodle salad so I will be trying them again.

Spaghetti alla Shirataki
serves 2

Sauce:
1 tablespoon grapeseed/olive oil
2 cloves minced garlic
1 cup sliced mushrooms
1 can (28 ounces) crushed tomatoes
1/4 cup tomato paste
2 teaspoons oregano
1 tablespoon parsley
1 teaspoon basil
1 tablespoon agave nectar
salt & pepper

1 package Shirataki

Saute oil, garlic and mushrooms in a deep skillet until mushrooms have released most of their water. Add the rest of the ingredients and heat through. Prepare shiritaki as directed on package and add into sauce. Buon appetito!

Hey, hey, hey...goodbye!

2008-01-30T16:05:00.000-06:00

So my websites are officially lost. I spent over an hour talking to Apple Care today and I have searched parts of my computer that I did not know existed, but it is time to say goodbye. Making a website is different than blogging. For the websites I'm actually doing the work off-line and it is saved on my computer. Each time I update the site it is republished. So what this means is that the last published versions of the sites are still online. Hopefully I will be able copy a lot of the info and archives from the older versions, saving some time. I'm trying to look at this as an opportunity to revamp the sites. If I have to redo the layouts, why not try something new?

Thanks to everyone who said a prayer for my little sites and thanks to Mike for passing along the recovery software (it pays to have smart big brothers!). And thanks to the Starbucks ladies who let me have my breakdown moment with dignity! I now have some tools and I am more knowledge so that, hopefully, this will NEVER happen again. When stuff like this happens people always say, "I hate computers!" But I still love my MacBook. I have had it for about 7 months and this is the first problem I have ever had...and let's be honest, it's not the computer's fault.

My mantra while "revamping" the websites:

I am thankful I have a computer. I am thankful that my biggest problem is finding time to re-write some websites. I am thankful for learning how to prevent this now, instead of two years from now.

AHHHH!

2008-01-29T21:12:00.000-06:00

Since I am about to be a total downer, here's something from Natalie Dee that made me smile earlier today...before everything went black.

I had every intention of posting something really interesting about the new tofu spaghetti I made tonight, but I'm too upset! I just spent almost two hours in iWeb updating the site that I run for my church's small group ministry and another half an hour updating a podcast I do for my nieces. Now they're gone! Not just the updated posts...the entire sites! My dog leaned on a button and I can't find them anywhere. 7 months of posts, resources, announcements are all gone. I think I'm going to cry.

I'm going to bed so I can call Apple Care as soon as they open, it's got to be in there somewhere...right?

Do You Want Fries With That?

2008-01-28T19:31:00.000-06:00

Do you want to know what's delicious? Pretty much everything I can't eat. I have been dealing with a lot of temptation recently. Sometimes it's easy because I can make a decent substitution, but often it's not about the food but about the feeling of deprivation. So much of our culture is about getting together and hanging out with friends, eating good food, drinking good wine...that's where it hurts.

My friends are doing a great job of supporting me, but it's frustrating to always have to ask for accommodations. I feel like the odd-one out when every restaurant choice has to be run by me or when I have to show up to someones lovely party with my own food instead of enjoying the work that they have done. I miss being easy-going; I'm officially high-maintenance.

Today was a beautiful day until about 5pm, which is the precise time that I was at the dog beach. It was warm (although really muddy with all the melting snow) and the sun was out, so I thought it would be great to take Sam to the beach. We had some fun with a few Great Danes and just as we were thinking about packing it in, the wind came. Soon everything had that strangely warm, dark, ominous feel that I have only ever experienced in the Midwest.

My thought was, "wouldn't it be great to curl up on the couch with a burger and fries and listen to the wind howl?" I could read some scary stories or balance my checkbook (also a frightening experience). Of course that was not in the cards for me. So I came home, made some oven fries and a sunshine burger (they are actually pretty good...nothing remotely close to real burgers, but if you think of them more like falafel then they are quite satisfying). Then I curled up on the couch with some church budget documents (again, a frightening experience) and listened to the wind howl.

But as I ate my dinner, I didn't feel satisfied, I felt cheated. Why can't I have what I want just like everyone else? This is an attitude that has been cropping up in more areas than just eating recently and it has me worried. Suddenly I feel I'm entitled. Suddenly I'm getting the short end of the stick. Suddenly I'm a victim. It's an easy role to walk into but a hard one to climb out of. The fact I'm upset that I can't stop at a burger stand and get some fries doesn't make me a victim, it makes me a self-indulgent American.

Last week I memorized two prayers to help me through tempting times.
* "Everything is permissible for me" -but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me" -but I desire not to be mastered by anything. (1 Corinthians 6:12) Lord God, help me to recognize and discern what is not beneficial for me. Help me to see that authentic liberty is being free to do certain things and free not to do others.

*My faithful Father, whether I turn to the right or to the left, cause my ears to hear a voice behind me saying, "This is the way; walk in it." (Isaiah 30:21)

It's funny. I signed up for a diet, but it's my soul that seems to be doing all the work.

And the Winner is...

2008-01-27T21:07:00.002-06:00

The winner is me! Well, sort of. Today the young adult group from my church, we call ourselves First Focus, hosted our 3rd annual Chili Cook-off. It was a fantastic time with our largest turn out yet! There are three categories; hearty, healthy and exotic. My chili was of course entered in the healthy category. I have never entered a chili before, with the busyness of the day and occasionally judging, I've never had time. This year I knew that I needed to enter if I wanted to eat, so the time came to come up with a gluten-free, sugar-free vegan chili.

So here is that chili that I entered. I'm happy to announce that it came in third place for my category, and that included chili's that had meat, so it's not too shabby.

Guilt Free Chili
* 2 tablespoons grapeseed oil
* 1 medium onion, chopped
* 1 green bell pepper, seeded and cut into 1/2-inch pieces
* 1 orange bell pepper, seeded and cut into 1/2-inch pieces
* 2 large carrots, chopped fine
* 1 jalapeno pepper, seeded and minced
* 2 cloves garlic, minced
* 1 pound dried lentils, rinsed
* 1/3 cup tomato paste
* 1 can (15-ounce) red kidney beans, drained and rinsed
* 1 can (15-ounce) black beans, drained and rinsed
* 2 cans (28-ounce) stewed tomatoes
* 32 ounces vegetable broth
* 1/3 cup chili powder
* 4 teaspoons ground cumin
* 1/4 teaspoon crushed red-pepper flakes
* 1 tablespoon salt
* 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

Directions

1. In a large soup pot, heat oil over medium heat. Add onion, green and orange peppers, carrot, jalapeno pepper, and garlic. Cook until the vegetables soften, about 5 minutes. Stir in vegetable broth, lentils, tomato paste, kidney beans, and black beans. Stir to blend, adding stewed tomatoes, chili powder, cumin, and crushed red-pepper flakes.
2. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium-low, cover and simmer until lentils are tender, about 45 minutes. If the chili starts to dry out, add hot water as needed. Season with salt and pepper, and serve immediately.

And now, just because I love to further the cause of chili whenever possible, here is my favorite chili recipe. It's a little more involved than most chili, but it's worth the work. I can't eat it anymore, but maybe some of you can enjoy it in my honor!

Melody's Chili Mole
adapted from Tyler Florence
3 dried ancho peppers, stemmed and seeded
2 tablespoons dried oregano
2 tablespoons sweet paprika
2 tablespoons whole coriander
1 tablespoon cumin seed
1 tablespoon chili powder
3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
2 onions, chopped
3 pounds beef chuck, cut into 1-inch cubes
salt and freshly ground black pepper
6 cloves garlic, chopped
1 canned chipotle chile, chopped
1/2 jalapeno pepper, chopped
2 (28-ounce) cans whole tomatoes, hand crushed
1 cinnamon stick
1 teaspoon sugar
2 tablespoons masa harina
1/2 tablet Mexican chocolate (about 1 1/2 ounces)
Grated queso fresco, for garnish
Cilantro leaves, for garnish
Lime wedges, for garnish

In a small dry skillet over low heat add the ancho peppers, oregano, paprika, coriander, cumin, and chili powder. Cook until they begin to smell, about 2 minutes. Put the spices into a food processor and grind until they are powdered. Set aside.

Heat a large heavy bottomed casserole over medium heat; add 3 tablespoons olive oil and the onions. Cook until the onions are soft and beginning to caramelize, about 10 minutes. Pat the beef dry and season it with salt and pepper. Add it to the pot and cook, stirring frequently, until it has browned on all sides, about 10 minutes. Add 2 tablespoons of the toasted spice mix, the garlic, chipotle, jalapeno, tomatoes, cinnamon stick, and sugar. Season with salt and stir well. Add some hot water until the meat is just covered with liquid. Return to the boil, reduce to a simmer, cover, and cook for 1 1/2 hours. Remove the meat and shred it with a fork. Return it to the pot, stir in the masa harina and chocolate, and cook for another 10 minutes, uncovered, to thicken. Taste and adjust seasoning. Serve with the queso fresco, cilantro, and lime for garnish.

Take One

2008-01-25T22:02:00.000-06:00

While I've been embracing all sorts of GF, SF, vegan cooking, I have been avoiding anything that has to do with baking. I love baking, but I'm worried about losing all the joy by trying to adhere to dietary restrictions. But you can only avoid the things you love for so long, so tonight I dusted off the hand mixer and went to work.

The goal was to make crispy almond cookies. I started with a recipe from Bob's Red Mill and made some substitutions where needed.
1 1/2 cups of oat flour (make sure it's from a dedicated source!)
1 cup almond flour (make your own or you will spend way too much...I'm talking to you Dad*)
1/2 cup Earth Balance buttery spread
1 tsp. vanilla
6 Tbs. brown rice syrup
Mix it all up and bake for about 30 minutes at 350.

The verdict? DISASTER! These were a disgusting mess. Nothing really held together and it didn't really taste like anything. The edges were burnt to a crisp and the middles were sticky. Don't try this at home kids.

But not to worry, I will try again, I have not given up! But maybe I'll start off with recipes that I don't have to make my own substitutions for...apparently I don't have the gift.

*almond flour is made by grinding blanched almonds in a food processor or blender until fine. Making your own will save you money (packaged almond flour runs $13.99 a pound) and it will last longer since you can keep whole almonds in your freezer until you're ready to use them (ground almond flour goes bad quickly).

Side note-Beware if you are ever looking for pictures of burnt cookies online...apparently burntcookies is the name of a porn site. That was an interesting surprise.

Where's the Beef?

2008-01-24T20:04:00.001-06:00

As I walked up the stairs to my apartment tonight I could smell what each of my neighbor's would be eating for dinner. There was curry on the first floor, fried fish on the second and on the third...something with ground beef. It was the beef that got to me. Being fairly new to the vegan world, I still crave meat and browning ground beef makes me think of sweet, glorious tacos.

The thought of tacos made me want to eat junk food for dinner, but there isn't really all that much junk food that falls into the GF, SF, vegan category. But there was one thing that I thought might curb the craving; chili cheese fries. Surprised? Well this is exactly what I needed.

Luckily I had made a big pot of chili on Monday to practice for this Sunday's upcoming Chili Cook-off (look for the update and recipes on Sunday), so I had that on hand already. I made some oven fries by cutting up two small potatoes and baking them with grapeseed oil, then I re-heated some of the chili and topped it off with some vegan cheese. I have to say that it was really good. The only thing missing was a good beer. I didn't miss the chili meat or the dairy cheese or even the deep fried potatoes. Apparently you can still enjoy junk food without the junk, who knew?

Progress?

2008-01-23T23:28:00.000-06:00

Everyone has been asking me if I feel any different yet. I must say that I do feel better, but I think that anyone who switched to a diet like this would feel better, I mean healthy eating is supposed to effect you positively. So I don't want to get my hopes up just yet, I think we need to see what happens after some more time. That being said, I think I may have seen some progress yesterday.

For all of my adult life I have had this pink, kind of bumpy skin on my arms. It doesn't really bother me and it's not super noticeable, so I've just assumed that it was dry skin or something. I showed it to a doctor once and he said it was probably just a mild allergic reaction to something in the air. I went with that, but kind of thought that it was strange since it never went away.

Well when I was taking a shower yesterday I realized...IT"S GONE. Not just lighter or better, but totally gone. I had never thought something as simple as "some dry skin" could actually be a symptom for something more systemic. That's probably true for more then just health issues, often I miss the little signals and don't realize what's really going on until it's manifested into a problem.

I haven't talked to my doctor about this new discovery yet, but it does give me some motivation to see what else in my life could start to heal.

A New Day

2008-01-21T20:11:00.000-06:00

I'm thankful for the chance to celebrate MLK Day today. I think that Martin Luther King is so inspiring, not only for the work he did, but for the way that he did it. If you have read much about his life, you know that he was a flawed man, but he was faithful to God's call. It's amazing to think about how much time we waste picking apart our flaws or wondering if we're good enough, strong enough or smart enough to accomplish what we have been created to do. We talk about not having faith in our abilities, but it is really not having faith in God's provision and direction. What would happen if we stopped questioning and started doing? Why don't we choose to ignore our fear of failure and embrace the promise of care that Christ extends to us?

My friend Megan sent me this MLK quote and I think that it is beautiful. So meditating on this is your nourishment for today:

"The cross is the eternal expression of the length to which God will go in order to restore broken community. The resurrection is a symbol of God's triumph over all the forces that seek to block community. The Holy Spirit is the continuing community creating reality that moves through history. He who works against community is working against the whole of creation. Therefore, if I respond to hate with a reciprocal hate I do nothing but intensify the cleavage in broken community. I can only close the gap in broken community by meeting hate with love. If I meet hate with hate, I become depersonalized, because creation is so designed that my personality can only be fulfilled in the context of community."

If You Like Pina Colada's

2008-01-20T21:51:00.001-06:00

I must admit that things have got me down recently. There is a lot going on in my life and I feel like I have very little control over any of it. I wish that I were more able to be faithful and trusting, but right now I'm not. My friend Catherine asked me if I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, I have to admit that I can't. But I do have faith that there is an end to the tunnel, and that will have to do for now. In Luke 6 it says that out of our mouths comes the overflow of our hearts. I need to put more hope in my heart because right now I'm just overflowing discouragement and judgement. I think that God is using this time in my life to teach me about surrender. It hurts to let go, even when it's letting go of food. I would like to make myself feel better by having a warm mug of hot chocolate or a fresh baked gingersnap cookie, but they won't really help me. Instead I will surrender those desires to find easy comfort and I will embrace a time to confess my doubt as to whether God is working in my life. I will give up the things that come easily but hurt me in the end and choose things that are difficult but bring me into full health in the end.

But I'm sure that God doesn't want us to go into a time of confession thirsty, so here's a little something I've whipped up as a reminder of warmer days and more hopeful hearts to come.

Melody's Confessional Colada

In a blender mix:
1 frozen banana
3 slices of fresh pineapple
1/2 cup of coconut milk
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
enough plain soy milk to blend to desired consistency

Pour into a glass and say "aloha" (the goodbye one) to winter and "aloha" (the hello one) to the promise of new days.

Cheesed Off

2008-01-18T19:01:00.000-06:00

Have you ever thought, "I wish I could eat something kind of like cheese, but without milk and not quite as good"? Well then this post is for you! In an effort to help all of you searching for cheese alternatives, I have put my taste buds to work testing fake cheese. This round we are pitting rice cheese against almond cheese... who will be victorious?

Each cheese is tested on the following criteria: price, appearance, smell, taste (cold), taste (hot), texture, meltability. I will be using a scale from 1-5 with 5 being the best, therefore, the most points win. Up first, rice cheese.

Rice Shreds by Galaxy Foods
price- 4, a little more expensive than cheese, but still affordable at about $3.99 for a 7 oz. bag
appearance- 4, it actually looks like cheese, just slightly translucent
smell- 4, I didn't notice any smell from this product so it's not quite like cheese but it's not bad
taste (cold)- 3, this is really mild so there isn't a strong taste good or bad, but overall it adds a nice flavor
taste (hot)- 4, the flavor seemed a little stronger when mixed with hot foods, it works well with soups & on baked potatoes
texture- 3, it's chewier than cheese, especially cold but not altogether unpleasant
meltability- 4, it advertises a "gourmet melt", which is pretty close to true. It doesn't have the creaminess of melted cheese but it does melt into hot dishes pretty well

The Lowdown- Rice cheese is pretty good, I think you could sneak it into a mildly cheesy dish without anyone knowing. It is widely available and it is offered in many forms and flavors. Galaxy Foods also makes a number of allergy-free options, including; gluten, lactose, casein & soy. With an organic vegan line there is pretty much something for everyone.

Health Beat- Rice cheese stacks up pretty well. A 1/3 cup serving has 70 calories, 4 grams of fat (1 gram is saturated), no cholesterol, no trans fat, 3 carbs and no sugar.

Verdict- I plan on buying this product again. Just watch out which package you pick up since it's easy to confuse the vegan with the non-vegan and if you are avoiding milk protein you have to be careful (a lesson I learned a little too late).

Next up, almond cheese.

The Original Almond Cheese by Lisanatti
price- 5, this stuff is affordable at only $2.50 for 8 oz.
appearance- 4, the color is good and it looks like cheese, although there are some little specks so it kind of looks like french vanilla cheese
smell- 4, a mild smell that is pretty close to cheesy
taste (cold)- 3, there's not much to the flavor, it's not bad, but not good
taste (hot)- 3, pretty much the same, doesn't seem all that flavorful
texture- 3, I'm not crazy about it, a little rubbery
meltability- 2, this doesn't really melt, the shreds just kind of get longer so you wouldn't fool a real cheese eater

The Lowdown- I really wanted this product to be awesome because it's made in Oregon and I have to root for the home team. It is widely available and has a good price point, but I think there are better options out there. Also this brand of almond cheese does contain casein, so if you have allergies or are a vegan it's not really an option anyway (again, something I found out a little too late).

Health Beat- It does stack up really well nutritionally. 1 oz. of almond cheese has 50 calories, 1 gram of fat, no saturated fat, no cholesterol, 3 carbs, 1 gram of fiber and no sugars.

Verdict- I might buy this product again and eat it with crackers or in something where it didn't have to melt. Because it's not vegan however, I will not be trying it until I can re-introduce milk. It's not a bad option, but you aren't going to fool anyone.

And the winner is... RICE CHEESE!

For all of you who are grossed out at the very thought of fake cheese, let me just remind you that processed cheesefood (singles, velveeta, cheez-whiz, etc.) is not much different, and at least these options have real health benefits. So go forth and try something new!

Time for a Change

2008-01-17T22:26:00.001-06:00

I've changed my diet, now it looks like I need to change my beloved water bottle. An accidental discovery found that polycarbonate bottles (aka Nalgene's) may be leaking chemicals and causing infertility. Not good. It's still debatable, but why take the risk? Who's up for shopping for a cute Sigg?

Find out more here:
http://www.sierraclub.org/sierra/200311/lol5.asp
Thanks to LCB for the link.

Just Like Mom Used to Make

2008-01-15T21:59:00.000-06:00

Growing up in our house, potato soup was a staple. A few times a month my mom would make a big pot of creamy potato soup which we would top with cheese and lots of black pepper. It was a great thing. I have continued this tradition and have added quite a few converts to "Mary's potato soup". Of course the original soup didn't quite fit into the "freegan" lifestyle, so I have made a few changes. Overall I think it worked pretty well, topped off with some shredded almond cheese, it was almost like mom used to make.

Mary's Potato Soup, freegan style

3 cloves of garlic, crushed
1 onion, chopped
1 Tbs. grapeseed oil
3 carrots, cut in chunks
8 medium potatoes, peeled and quartered
2 parsnips, cut into chunks (you know you want to try them, go ahead and buy them!)

Place above items in crockpot and cover with water. Cook until all vegetables are soft. Use a hand mixer to begin to break-up vegetables into the cooking water. Slowly add in plain soy milk until soup has reached desired consistency, about 1 cup (this can also be done in a food processor or blender if you want a smoother soup, but I like a few chunks). Add in 2 tablespoons of Earth Balance buttery spread, salt & pepper to taste. This makes a big pot of soup, so you'll have leftovers for lunch, or you can freeze some for later!

A new way I'm avoiding cravings is to visit freerice.com. Penny from the BWC blog passed it on and I'm a little addicted. You can build your vocabulary and help others who are in need of food. It's not a long term solution, but it beats pining for a cheeseburger. And finding ways to help others is the best road to health.

Snack Attack

2008-01-14T18:18:00.000-06:00

I was never much of a snacker, I prefer meals. I like the cooking, the act of sitting at the table and focusing on eating and I LOVE leftovers. I've tried to get on the "eat six small meals" bandwagon, but it never really worked for me...until now. I don't know if it's the loss of certain proteins in my diet or the addition of a whole lot of fiber, but I am hungry all the time. I have officially entered the world of snacking, which has led me to compile a list of my top 10 quick snacks. There is no actual ranking because it's really all based on mood, but whether you are a SF, GF, vegan eater in normal life or if you are just looking for some healthy snacks, I suggested you give these a try!

1. Chips & Dip- I like to make my own bean dip and keep it in the fridge for a quick snack. I saute some onion and garlic, add a can of drained & rinsed beans (either black beans or cannellini beans) and heat through. Then I throw it all in the blender and store in an air-tight container. If I'm feeling crunched for time, I put the beans, a touch of grapeseed oil and some crushed garlic in a bowl, microwave and mash with a fork. For chips, I love Lundberg's Rice Chips (really crispy!) or Green Mountain Gringo tortilla chips (gluten-free, cholesterol-free corn chips at a normal price!).

2. PB & J Crackers- Usually I just put a spoonful of peanut butter and a spoonful of jelly in a bowl, mix it up and dip the crackers in it, but sometime I make them sandwich-style to keep in my purse. I've been eating "Mary's Gone Crackers" original flavor seed crackers, they are a nice mix of sesame seeds, quinoa, flax and brown rice (it's better than it sounds). I love St. Dalfour all fruit jam. It's a french jam that is made with fruit and lightly sweetened with fruit juice so there is no added sugar. They have some really great flavor combos, I like royal fig and ginger & orange marmalade. I'm a cheapskate when it comes to peanut butter so I get whichever natural pb is on sale this week.

3. Nuts/seeds- Not much to say about this. I'm in an almond phase right now, after just coming off a pumpkin seed kick. I like to measure out little bags (which I reuse my green friends!) so that I don't overeat, which can be easy to do with a big old bag 'o nuts.

4. Larabars- I'm a recent convert so I'm still figuring out which flavors I like. I'm not a big fan of the chocolate line. I do like gingersnap, pistachio and my favorite is cashew cookie.

5. Granola- A lot of GF eaters have avoided oats. They're finding that oats themselves don't pose a risk, but it's the cross contamination that often goes with them. If you are able to find oats from a dedicated source, they can be a great whole grain addition. My favorite is Golden Garden Wheat-free flax granola. It's sweetened with blueberry juice so their is no added sugar to worry about but still a nice sweetness.

6. Dried fruit- Again, not too original, but often overlooked. Whole Foods and Trader Joe's both have good dried mango, just be careful that your dried fruit doesn't have sugar added.

7. Banana Shakes- I have loved banana shakes for as long as I have been alive. I'm somewhat infamous in my family for having the gift of talking my dad into making banana shakes whenever I want one. Nowadays I throw a frozen banana, a splash of vanilla and some soy or rice milk in the blender. If I'm feeling the need for a little more protein a scoop of peanut butter hits the spot.

8. Popcorn- In the days of microwave popcorn it's easy to forget the joy of the air popper. I like to pop some corn, drizzle on some melted Earth Balance buttery spread and sprinkle on some nutritional yeast. It's salty, cheesy deliciousness!

9. Pineapple- I realize that any fruit could go in this spot, but there is something special about fresh pineapple. Last Christmas my mom got me this supermarket pineapple coring gadget and it's awesome. Sometimes I still like to do it the old fashioned way, but it's nice to have a quick fix for some easy aloha time.

10. Kombucha- If you don't know what kombucha is, I'm not going to tell you until you try it. Just go to Whole Food's and pick up a bottle of GT's Kombucha. It's all sorts of goodness and once you learn a little you can make your own and save some dough. My favorite's are Citrus and Ginger.

2008-01-12T18:23:00.000-06:00

They say that making small changes can make a huge impact on your life. Sometimes that change can be as small as trying a new cooking oil. I have fallen in love with grapeseed oil. With a diet that relies so heavily on vegetables, the neutral flavor of grapeseed oil allows me to enjoy the taste of sauteed veggies, salads and everything else.

High in antioxidants, Grapeseed Oil contains Vitamin E, and a group of bioflavonoids known as procyanadins, which are difficult to find in most diets. It has high flash points approx. 216° C=420° F. Among all cooking oils, GS/Oil produces the least smoke and can be used for sauteing, baking, salad dressings, dips, spreads and even frying.

Grapeseed Oil is a polyunsaturated oil that is rich in linoleicacid. At 68 – 76%, it contains the highest amounts of linoleic acid among any oil or food source. One of two essential fatty acids that the human body can not produce. One tablespoon of Grapeseed Oil provides nearly the recommended daily allowance for Vitamin E.

Because of the make-up of the oil, it actually takes about half the amount you would usually use in a recipe, which makes it great for a lowfat diet. It also contains no cholesterol or trans-fatty acids.

It's affordable, readily available at most grocery stores and it will help provide a clean taste to all of your cooking. It's a simple change that will provide you with some big health benefits.
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Soup's On!

2008-01-10T15:53:00.001-06:00

After a week of unusually warm weather here in Chicago (I was walking around without a coat in January!), things are starting to cool down. I have to say that I am kind of glad. It was nice to get the old, dirty snow melted away and after some really bitter cold it was nice to be able to go outside without your teeth freezing; but for what it's worth, I like it when winter feels like winter. I enjoy the fact that Chicago has seasons. Growing up in Oregon I got used to 9 months of rain and 3 months of weather so amazingly gorgeous it makes you forget about all the rain. I miss that, but I do love knowing that winter will be cold and summer will be hot. I like wearing flip flops with sweaters in autumn and rain boots with capri pants in spring.

All of that to say, it's getting colder and that means it's time to make soup. I love making soup because it can be as simple or as elaborate as you want. Soup can be as light or as hearty as you need. And soup is so easy to make! I'm a huge crockpot fan, so I love the ability to put a bunch of stuff together the night before, set it on the crockpot the next day and come home to dinner. The soup that I made tonight isn't actually a crockpot recipe, but I just threw all the veggies in and slow cooked them, then when I got home I pureed the soup, added the beans and let it all warm up again. It's not that I'm lazy...I'm efficient.

I'm not a big carrot fan, but I was surprised how much I liked this soup. The garlic gives it a nice flavor and the beans add a lot of texture. So give it a try, I think you'll be surprised.

Carrot and Bean Soup
adapted from Gluten-Free, Sugar-Free Cooking by Susan O'Brien
Makes 8 servings

5 cloves of garlic
1 Tbs. grapeseed oil (can use olive oil)
2 large onions
1 quart water or vegetable broth
2 pounds of carrots, peeled and cut into chunks
1 tsp. dried rosemary
1 tsp. dried thyme
2 fresh sage leaves
30 ounces cannellini beans
1/2 c. dry sherry ( I omitted this)
salt & pepper to taste

Peel and chop garlic and onions. In crockpot or stockpot, heat oil and saute garlic and onions until translucent (about 5 minutes). Add water/broth and carrots, bring to a boil. Reduce heat and add the herbs. Simmers until carrots are tender (about 30 minutes). In batches, puree the soup mixture in a blender until smooth. Return soup to the pot and add the beans and sherry. Heat through. Season to taste with pepper and salt.

Tacos...the love affair continues

2008-01-09T23:31:00.000-06:00

On Wednesday nights I get together with some amazing people for a Bible study and prayer time. We have been meeting for almost a year and I have loved getting to know everyone in the group. In an effort to help support me and make the first month a little easier, my friend Megan, who attends the group, is joining me in my dietary adventure this month. Megan has also been kind enough to offer her house up for Wednesday night "Melody-friendly" meals.

Tonight was our first dinner and it was fantastic! I went over to Megan's a little early to help cook, although I ended up chatting more than cooking. Another friend was there and we had a great time talking over the chopping and sauteing. If you've read the beginning of this blog you know that the loss of tacos was going to be huge for me. Well Megan was able to find a great taco recipe that fits perfectly into the plan.

We all enjoyed a wonderful healthy meal, even the other group members agreed that the tacos were delicious, and had a great Bible study and discussion afterwards. Good food, good friends, good God...who could ask for more?

Butternut Squash and Black Bean Tacos
adapted from fatfreevegan.com
*we substituted olive oil for the spray which adds some fat, but hey, it's the good kind.

Recipe by: Karina Allrich

1 (14-oz.) can black beans, drained
Juice from a large fresh lime
1-2 garlic cloves, minced
cayenne pepper, if desired for heat
olive oil cooking spray
Half of a butternut squash, diced fairly small
1/2 teaspoon sea salt or McCormick's Salt Free Lemon Pepper
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon or chili powder
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
freshly ground black pepper
8 soft corn tortillas or corn taco shells*
1 jar green or red salsa, for serving
1. Gently warm the beans in a saucepan over low heat and mash them a bit with a potato masher. Add in the lime juice and garlic. Add a dash of cayenne for heat, if desired.

2. Heat a spray of olive oil in a skillet and lightly stir-fry the diced squash; season it with sea salt, Lemon Pepper, and spices. Stir frequently, until the squash is browned and tender (but not mushy), about 10 minutes.

*To serve soft tacos, heat the corn tortillas quickly one by one in a very hot dry skillet, about 10 seconds per side, wrap them quickly in a slightly damp clean towel, and place in a warmed dish or tortilla warmer. To serve hard shell tacos, warm the shells on a baking sheet briefly in the oven before serving.

Serve at the table family-style.

Spoon the fillings into warmed serving bowls at the table. Pour the green or red salsa into a serving bowl.

Have each person assemble their tacos by spooning in some black beans, sautéed squash, and salsa. Loosely roll up and enjoy!

The Bean

2008-01-08T15:28:00.000-06:00

I live in Chicago where we have a lovely sculpture with some fancy name...but everyone calls it "The Bean". I believe that the time has come to embrace the bean; not the sculpture, but the garbanzo. You know, those beige, round beans that you randomly find in salad bars. They also have a cleft, which is why my younger brother used to call them butt-beans. Hungry yet?

Garbanzo beans, also called chickpeas, are great. They are full of nutrients and a good source of protein, they are packed with soluble and insoluble fiber, they lower cholesterol, help heart function, stabilize blood sugar levels, help replenish iron, and taste great! When's the last time a piece of chicken did all that for you?

Of course, most people enjoy garbanzo beans in hummus, falafel and curries. But there are so many ways to get the benefits of the mighty butt-bean. Below is a super easy recipe I've come up with for marinated garbanzo beans. I keep them in the refrigerator and toss them with salad greens, put over quinoa or rice, or eat just as it is:

Marinated Garbanzo Beans
1 large can garbanzo beans, drained & rinsed
1 Tbs. grapeseed oil (can substitute olive oil)
juice of half a lemon
1/4 tsp. ground sage (or use some fresh if available)
salt & pepper to taste (watch the salt since they will already be salty!)
1/4 cup chopped orange pepper (or whatever pepper preference you may have)

alternate option:
add chopped cilantro and sliced mango. Use as a filling for lettuce wraps with bibb or Boston lettuce.

I pull these out of the refrigerator to add quick protein to meals. They keep for about 4 or 5 days, but they don't usually last more than two days round these parts.

Cheesy

2008-01-06T00:46:00.000-06:00

I just have to say that I LOVE NUTRITIONAL YEAST! I used to eat it in college, but it kind of went away after I moved to Chicago. With this new eating plan I have rediscovered the joy of the yeast.

For those of you who haven't tried it, it brings a nice cheesy flavor to things. I put some in the mushroom soup leftovers, delicious. I used it in the Yumm sauce, delicious. I sprinkled it over popcorn...can you guess? DELICIOUS!

Nutritional yeast is a great source for B vitamins, especially B-12 which is essential for vegans, and you can find it in the bulk section of most grocery stores or in the baking section (look for Bob's Red Mill). But even if you aren't a vegan, it's just plain good. Apparently you can use it to make cheese faux-ndue (get it?), I think I know what I'll be doing tomorrow!

Back to the Future

2008-01-04T23:51:00.000-06:00

I'm away at a leadership retreat with the elders, trustees and staff of my church. I've been a little nervous to come, for a number of reasons: having to meet new people, needing to say some things that may not be popular, always being the youngest person in the room and feeling like I need to come up with something wise to prove myself, and of course figuring out what I can eat when I'm not the one doing the cooking.

So far it has been nice. People are friendly, I've felt free to say what I need to say, no one has treated me like a child, my need for approval has been in check so that I say what's on my heart instead of just saying things to try and sound smart. The only thing that has been hard is the food situation. I called ahead to the conference center to find out what kind of accomodations they might be able to make. I didn't expect my own, special meals or anything, but I thought maybe they had a vegeterian option that I might be able to work around, they do not. I thought they might have a refrigerator and microwave that I could have access to so that I could bring some quick fix meals, they do not.

So I have come with my cooler of soy milk, flax granola, GF crackers and all natural peanut butter. I have come in a way for everyone to see that I am different, that something is wrong with me. And this leads me to what has really been on my mind. Why is it always that something is wrong with me? Not me in particular, but in general, when things in my life are different, they are inevitably "wrong".

Many well-meaning friends are trying to ease my food frustrations by saying, "at least it's just for four months," or "it's not like you'll never have it again." But what if it is forever? What if I never eat normal pasta again? What if I am never again able to pass the cheese, please? Why would I think I am being punished just because I eat differently? The same exact thing happens on regular diets. Go to any Weight Watcher's meeting in the country and you will see the girls who talk about how jealous they are of the "skinny girls" who can eat whatever they want and of how cursed they are to not have the ability to say, no. I know because I have been one of those girls.

I'm afraid of a future without real ice cream because I don't trust God's provision. In the book Invisible Monster's, Chuck Palahniuk writes, "When did the future switch from being a promise to a threat?" What if needing to make these changes to my diet is a blessing? My mind often does not have the willpower to make healthy food choices. Maybe by body has found a way to help me make better choices. I shouldn't feel punished because I can't eat exactly what everyone else eats; how many people would love to just be able to eat at all! It is about celebrating making choices that are healthy for my body. My future is not the threat of deprivation, it is the hope of health.

p.s. I used to think that I didn't like Larabars because I had two flavors that were pretty foul. I just had a Cashew Cookie bar and it was SO good and it's just cashews and dates. Something new to put on the shopping list!

Temptation

2008-01-02T22:58:00.001-06:00

So today was kind of rough. It was a long day, which means packing breakfast, lunch and snacks, it was a weird day at work because our safe malfunctioned so we couldn't accept cash and the mind splitting headaches of sugar withdrawal have set in.

I had to take my dog to the vet today and while I was waiting for him I nearly succumbed to one of the candy bars on display near the register. It started off as "a little something to ease the headache" and quickly turned into, "could I eat a Snickers AND a Kit Kat?" I knew it was bad when I thought, "I could eat these candy bars and not tell anyone...no one would have to know that I screwed up." I'm not a very charismatic person in my faith, but if one can rebuke a candy bar, then I did. Get thee behind my Satan! (Or in this case Snickers!)

Ultimately I turned from the temptation and went home to make myself a dinner that I knew would satisfy me. Cafe Yumm is one of those magical places where everything is super healthy but it's also super delicious, it was one of my favorite hang-outs in college. In order to recapture those bygone days (not too far bygone), I recreated my own Cafe Yumm signature dish, the Yumm Bowl. Yumm bowls can have just about anything you want in them. Traditionally they are made of rice, beans (or chili), cheese, sour cream, avocado and most importantly, Yumm sauce. My version had jasmine rice, black beans with garlic & onions, rice cheese (vegan), plain soy yogurt, avocado and homemade Yumm sauce.

I'm posting the recipe for the sauce below. It is also a great marinade, sandwich spread, dipping sauce, whatever you can think to do with it. My sister-in-law found a recipe for me online, but I've tweaked it a bit to make it my own (those of you who have the honor of living in Oregon can probably just buy the stuff at the grocery store, but it hasn't made it past the Cascade range yet.)

Yumm Sauce:
1/2 cup oil (I used a mix of canola & grapeseed
1/2 cup almonds, ground into a fine flour-like consistency
1/2 cup nutritional yeast
1/2 cup garbonzo beans, drained
1/2 cup silken tofu
1/2 to 1 cup of water
scant 1/2 cup lemon juice
2 cloves of garlic
1 tsp salt
1 Tbs curry powder

Basically you just blend everything together in a food processor or blender. Add water until it's desired consistency (should be a little thinner than mayo.) Adjust seasonings to your taste. Store sauce in fridge for up to two weeks.

The other thing I did today to avoid temptation was go out and see a movie with some friends. I highly recommend Juno, it sugar-free, gluten-free, vegan yet full of flavor.

Happy New Year!

2008-01-01T19:25:00.000-06:00

I have officially completed my first day of what I am calling "Guilt Free" living and I have to say, it went pretty well. I realize that a lot of it has to do with the novelty of trying something new and the fact that the withdrawal hasn't set in yet, but it's still nice to be optimistic. While I haven't exactly craved anything yet, I have noticed just how often I would grab something without even thinking about what I was putting in my body. I was worried that these restrictions would take the joy out of eating, but I think what it is giving me is the chance to appreciate what I'm eating. Now I just have to find a way for my mind to savor this appreciation for the days when my body wants to appreciate a good beer.

Food-wise I have enjoyed my meals today. The "Silk Alive" brand of soy yogurt was a nice breakfast. I'm eating the plain flavor since the others are sweetened with cane juice. Mixed with some fresh fruit and a teaspoon of honey it was a good start to the new year. I've also attempted to make my own version of cream of mushroom soup which has turned out really well. Here's the recipe:

Guilt Free Creamy Mushroom Soup
1 Tbs. grapeseed oil
2 cloves of garlic, minced
1 yellow onion, chopped
16 oz white button mushrooms, sliced
8 oz cremini mushrooms, sliced
1-2 cups of water
4 oz silken tofu
1-2 cups plain soy milk
2 Tbs. parsley
salt & pepper to taste

In a large saucepan, saute onion & garlic in grapeseed oil. When they become translucent, add the mushrooms and saute until evenly browned. Add 1-2 cups of water and allow to simmer for 15 minutes (add water as needed to be sure that mushrooms remain covered with water.) Stir tofu and soy milk into the mushroom broth and simmer for 5 minutes. Place soup in blender or food processor and puree until smooth (you may want to save a cup of cooked mushrooms to add in after the blending for texture.) If you want a thinner soup, just add more water or soy milk. Return soup to saucepan to heat through and add parsley, salt & pepper. Garnish with some more parsley and some chopped almonds.

What's in a Name?

2007-12-31T19:29:00.001-06:00

The time is fast approaching. After the official last day binge, the time has come to purge. No, not like that. The time has come to purge all of the things from my refrigerator and pantry, to wash out the last remnants of flour and sugar from my canisters and to restock with things full of life and energy.

It has actually felt really good to clean out the cupboards and sweep away the past. I've always enjoyed spring cleaning, it's just coming a little early this year. I even had fun going grocery shopping this afternoon. I sat down with my shiny new cookbooks and picked out recipes, made lists, scoped out stores and read all sorts of labels. In the end, I only had to go to two stores to get what I needed, which was nice because it started to snow as I left the second store.

First I went to Village Market in Skokie. I love this store! I work right across the street and the owners come by for coffee all the time. It's a little, international grocery with great produce prices, some interesting ethnic selections and a fantastic meat & deli counter (which I will not be enjoying for a while). Want some spicy avjar? Go to VM. Need a deal on kumquats? Go to VM. Have a hankerin' for a whole sheep's head, eyes and all? Go to VM. Since it is a small place, I figured I would grab the produce and be on my way. But low and behold, they had some great items that I hadn't even thought of including some GF baking mixes and flours from Bob's Red Mill. I pulled out of the parking lot with a trunk full of groceries.

My second stop was Wild Oats, which sadly has been bought out by Whole Foods. I hit the mother load at WO, although there was a bit of sticker shock. The great thing is that I was able to find everything on my list (with the exception of some dessert things called Sweet Nothings). It's amazing how many options they have within the GF & vegan worlds these days! My only complaint is that a lot of the GF stuff had some sort of milk protein and a lot of the vegan had either sugar or gluten, so finding stuff that lined up took some time. I did pick up two types of vegan cheese (rice & almond, stay tuned for a taste test), and two types of sugar free, natural sweeteners (brown rice syrup & agave nectar, ditto on the test).

Probably my biggest shopping surprise was the cost...it wasn't too bad. For 2 weeks of groceries AND an entire pantry overhaul I only spent $148.73, not too shabby. While the affordability was a nice surprise, the time commitment was a bit of a shocker. It took a little over 3 hours for me to finish shopping! I'm hoping that once I have a better understanding of the products I can cut that time drastically, but sugar, gluten, milk & egg products hide in all sorts of things, which means I have to read every label with a magnifying glass.

So I have the food, I'm excited to get started, now I just need a good name. Saying that I'm a sugar-free, gluten-free, vegan makes me sound about as thrilling as tofu. Other people get to say, "I'm on Atkins" or "I'm a Weight Watcher." All I can say is, "I don't think I can eat that." A few of my friends and family have already suggested diet names like: the herbivore diet, the vegan cavewoman diet (because I'm going to end up just gathering nuts & berries) and one of my favorites, perpetual Lent. So I'm now accepting nominations for diet names. If you have a good one, leave me a comment. Who knows? Maybe you can name the next fad!

In Remembrance of Me, Don't Eat This Bread

2007-12-30T18:54:00.000-06:00

It's been interesting to start thinking about just how much these dietary changes are going to actually change my life. Of course there is the eating part, but there are also the financial aspects (it costs a little more to buy the good stuff), social aspects (not a lot of restaurants & bars that cater to the likes of me), and physical aspects (I won't complain if I drop a few pounds). Today I realized that this may even interfere with my spiritual life.

In case you don't know me personally, I'm what you might call, devout. I'm a Christian, and although I like to consider myself the hip, young, dye-my-hair-purple, challenge church authority type of Christian, I'm still pretty traditional when it comes to spiritual practices. One of the practices that has very deep meaning to me is communion. I love the physical reminder of grace that partaking in communion provides. It is one of the few church experiences that brings God to all of the 5 senses; the sound of the prayers, the shining chalice, the smell of the candles, the rough edges of the bread and the sweetness of the wine (or juice if you go to my church) each one helps me to appreciate different parts of God.

As I was sitting in church this morning, I began to think about next week and the celebration of communion. Suddenly it hit me, the body of Christ is not gluten free and I'm betting the blood of Christ has some added sugar. So what do I do with that? What happens when trying to follow God's will puts you at odds with God's law? Should I start bringing my own "Melody approved" elements to church? Do I abstain from partaking in communion until my health is under control? Do I pray that God will turn the wine into water and the bread into gluten-free crackers?

I'm not sure what I'm going to do at this point. But for now I will be thankful that something as small as a change in my diet, can reengage my relationship with God. The process of figuring this out brings me to a new realization of just how important an ancient practice really is to me today. So whether or not I physically partake in communion, the choice will be made in remembrance.

Viva los tacos

2007-12-29T19:05:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I had a very specific plan. I would wake up at 3:30am to go make coffee for other people, take my dog to the beach, go to my second job and then order one of my favorite (and soon forbidden) foods; Walnut Shrimp from Joy Yee's Noodle Shop. As I left work I dialed the number, ready to place my order, when...I get a freaking phone message that they are closed for renovations until February! WHAT!?

If you are a lifetime diet-er, then you understand that the last supper is a vital part of your self-denial preparation. It's the savoring of those last, perfect bites that keeps you going through those long nights of steamed vegetables and brown rice.

But no need to worry dear friends, I pulled it together and made myself an enjoyable dinner of teriyaki chicken. But those few moments of gastronomic strife did instill within me some epicurean nostalgia. So here is a list of the top 10 things that I will miss this year:

10. Dairy. More specifically cheese, sour cream and butter. To me this is some kind of holy trifecta...like God's seasonings.
9. Sweet tea. I don't just mean tea with sugar, but actual "sweet tea", preferably the type that has been brewed by the sun. I know I can sweeten some with Stevia or something, but it's just not the same.
8. BBQ'd meats. There are few things as delicious as meat, cooked on a grill, slathered in sauce. My brother is a total grill master, so this summer he's going to have to up his game with some grilled tofu.
7. Joy Yee's Walnut Shrimp. It's the perfect blend of salty/sweet and crispy/creamy. Add a coconut mini-pearl freeze and life is good.
6. Ben & Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie Chunk. What will I curl up with when some stupid boy breaks my heart?
5. Wine. What will I curl up with when some stupid boy breaks my heart and I can't have ice cream?
4. Hot Dogs. I live in Chicago, hot dogs are EVERYWHERE! Growing up I thought they were okay, but here they are a way of life. Even though they are still an occasional treat, they will be missed.
3. Chocolate. Need I say more?
2. Beer. And to give this the place of honor it deserves, here are the top 5 beers I will miss: Three Floyds, Surly Darkness, Hair of the Dog, Fish Tale & Bell's.
1. Tacos. Seriously, I LOVE TACOS. I honestly make some form of taco, taco salad or nacho at least once a week. People talk about pizza being the perfect food, but it cannot hold a candle to a good taco. So many choices of fillings and the 4 major food groups; hot, cold, spicy and crunchy.

Okay, I'm going to go make some nachos...

Deny the Flesh

2007-12-28T22:07:00.000-06:00

As the new year approaches, so does a new experiment in my life. For the past six months I've been dealing with medical problems that my doctors can't seem to diagnose. After much poking, prodding and big pill swallowing I have been given the okay to start trying some "alternative" therapies.

At the urging of one of my doctors, I am going to eliminate all sorts of toxins (aka deliciousness) from my diet. After a few (2-4) months of detox (aka Hell), I will begin re-introducing those items into my life to see if they have any effect on my health. But that's not all! I am also going to be exploring the worlds of herbs & vitamins, ancient remedies, acupuncture, reiki and anything else that my doctor will give the greenlight to.

So here are the rules for the next 2-4 months:
-no refined sugar
-gluten free
-vegan

I'm totally serious...no sugar, no gluten, no animal products of any kind.

So here in this blog I will be sharing experiences, recipes, book reviews and many, MANY complaints. I hope that you will stop by and share your thoughts and tell me to quit my whinin'!